9/23/12 - Bethany Turns 3

The weekend before Bethany’s birthday, we went to visit our friends camping at Metzler park and brought gluten-free cupcakes and candles to celebrate together.   Unfortunately, I was still in a daze from our recent news and forgot the camera. 

 

When Bethany’s birthday arrived on Wednesday, we opened presents and made ice cream sundaes for a quiet family party.  She loved the rocking horse from Aunt Laura and the "invisible" Wonder Woman plane from Aunt Nanci.  This year was subdued due to other things our family was dealing with, but next year, Bethany will be old enough to have a few friends over and have an official birthday party under happier circumstances.  

Autumn Peace

Autumn Peace Bjorklund was born at 3:15pm, on her big sister's 3^rd birthday, Sept 19^th. It was just like going through labor, but with no reward.   No warm bundle to cuddle after all the work was done.   No chubby cheeks to kiss.   No recognizable face to hold in my memory.   No real assurance of the gender.   Just a tiny body to be buried, with dreams of what could have been. 

 

And yet, I’m more fortunate than most.  I had no complications and was able to avoid the hospital.   I have a loving, supportive husband and wonderful friends and family grieving and praying with us, so I have never felt alone.   I have three beautiful little girls to fill my empty arms.   I have the privilege of burying our little one’s remains under our favorite maple tree.   I have a name to cherish and remember until we meet again.  And I have the peace of knowing that this life is not all there is…that this good-bye is not forever. 

 

My friend Barbara had given me the link to Elizabeth Ministry, where I found a burial vessel for miscarried babies.   At first I was hesitant to get it, but my friend Katya urged me to order it as her gift to me, and I'm so glad she did. It was a way to bury our child with dignity, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

David dug a grave under the Japanese Maple in our backyard.  We prayed together and thanked God that Autumn was in heaven with Him and someday we would see her again.   We explained to the girls that this was Autumn’s old body that she didn’t need anymore, because up in heaven she had a brand new body that would never hurt or die.  

We buried the tiny vessel and covered it with a large mossy rock and a bouquet of fall flowers.   I’m glad we had a beautiful place to lay her to rest.  

Never Alone

Back when Dave and I found out we were pregnant with our first, we briefly debated whether or not we should share the news until after the first trimester.   I decided that if anything happened, I’d rather my friends and family know why I wasn’t myself than try to hide my grief.   It was soon apparent that I couldn’t hide my morning sickness from my co-workers even if I wanted to, so it wouldn’t have been an option, anyway.  

Three successful births later, with no history of complications, it never occurred to me to keep our new joy a secret.   So many of my friends on Facebook are pregnant or posting pictures of their new additions, so I had no hesitation in posting the exciting news.  

Then, at my 12 week appointment, everything changed.   My midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat.  The next day, an ultrasound confirmed the worst.   For 5 weeks, blithely unaware that my baby was already gone, I had been pondering baby names, borrowing maternity clothes for winter, budgeting and scheduling our school year for a spring delivery, and looking forward to my 1^st trimester symptoms finally subsiding.   I felt so foolish, as if somehow I should have known.  

For the first time, I regretted having shared my pregnancy so publicly.   I knew the months would pass and people would begin asking when I was going to post baby pictures.   I had no choice but to let everyone know what had happened.   I didn’t even know how I could find the words.    

But then I had to ask myself: Why the shame?  Why the embarrassment?  Why, in a culture that prides itself in flaunting taboos, is miscarriage still a taboo subject?  Why do so many brokenhearted mothers still feel obligated to grieve in secret?  Is it because death makes our society uncomfortable?  Is it because the medical community goes out of their way to use any term except “baby” when referring to our lost child, essentially robbing us of permission to grieve?  Is it because we think we are the only ones going through this?  

If I had lost an older child, would I have been ashamed to tell anyone?   Was this child any less worthy of recognition?  This was a life.  A brief life, a life unseen, and not intimately known to any but me, but a life nonetheless.   Despite our culture’s dismissal and even denial of such young lives cut short, they are worthy of acknowledgement and grief without shame.   No mother suffering this road should have to do it alone, or made to feel as if her grief were inappropriate or should be hidden.     

I went ahead and updated my Facebook status with the hard news.  Then something amazing happened.  I started getting messages from friends who had lost children, many of which I had never known about.  They shared their stories, helped prepare me for what to expect, prayed and grieved with me as only someone who has walked the same road can do.  I had never known so many of my friends had gone through this.   Women who had grieved silently for years.  Women who, due to distance or the years or the casual nature of our acquaintance, would never have shared so intimate and painful a sorrow, except to another whom they knew could relate.   I felt as if my eyes had been opened to a sad sisterhood that I had been vaguely aware of, but never understood the full extent of, especially as it affected so many of my friends.   

Thank you, my dear sisters and friends, for reaching out and reminding me that I am not walking this road alone…none of us are alone.     

9/15/12 - Love & Loss

Had an ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat. Looks like the 6th chair around our dinner table is going to remain empty. Rest in peace, little one. I miss you already. 

The grief comes and goes in waves. I've watched my Mom and close friends go through this, but it's the first time for me. Looks like the baby passed away about 5 weeks ago. I didn't have the slightest suspicion (I'm still getting morning sickness, even today)! 

The ultrasound technician actually called it a "product of conception." I wanted to smack him upside the head. I think he was trying to minimize the loss for me, but to me it was just degrading my child. I wish I had said something, but I was in too much shock at the time. 

The hardest part was telling the kids. We had a whole camping trip planned this weekend and now they can't go, and they don't quite understand why.  The midwife said it wasn’t safe until everything had passed.   She offered me herbs to speed up the process, but I’m in no hurry.   If this is the only time I’m going to have with my child, I’ll keep him/her as long as it’s safe and God allows me. 

Amanda says Jesus and Grandma Geri will take care of the baby now until we can get to heaven.   I’m so grateful for these three sweet girls I still have to wrap my arms around.  I know many broken-hearted mothers don’t even have that to comfort them.  

9/07/12 - The More, The Merrier

A year and a half ago, I put away all my maternity and nursing clothes for the first time in 7 years.   I bought new tops and traded the backpack diaper bag for a real purse (with a removable pocket to hold a diaper and wipes).   It appeared that we were moving on to a new phase of parenting.  

Then in late July, David and I were surprised to learn that we were expecting again.   The baby is due on March 26^th, the same day Dave proposed to me almost 12 years ago.  Luckily, we never got rid of any of the baby stuff sitting in storage in the garage, though we’ve talked about it several times.  Somehow I knew that if we got rid of it, Murphy’s Law would kick in and we’d probably end up needing it.  If it’s a girl, we already have plenty of clothes put away, and if it’s a boy, we have lots of friends with boys who are fond of passing on hand-me-downs.  

The girls are excited about having a new baby in the house.   Eva wants to help pick out names, and Amanda has become all the more fascinated with my friend Megan’s baby boy, constantly trying to rub his fuzzy head and get him to smile at her.  Bethany will pat my belly and say, “baby,” and she loves to play with the bouncy seat and other baby toys at friends’ houses, checking out all these fascinating contraptions that have long been put away at our house.  

So far my primary symptoms have been nausea and exhaustion, but both are manageable, though I’ll be glad when the 2^nd trimester begins and I can start to feel more normal.  

Shifting Seasons

The mornings are getting chilly, though we’re still enjoying warm, sunny afternoons.   I’ve pulled warmer clothes out of storage and now their closets are half-and-half between the seasons.   It’s fun to see the girls’ personalities coming out in how they dress.  Eva almost always chooses t-shirts, Amanda prefers dresses, and Bethany just wants to pick her own outfit and to put it on all herself. 

 

I brought out the box of fall décor, but by the time I came back to begin putting things out, it was empty.  The girls had already eagerly decorated the house before I even had a chance. Eva has also made her own "window clings" by taping her drawings of pumpkins, leaves and corn to all our windows, or drawing on them with window markers.  She's so creative! :)

Vacation Bible School

Eva and Amanda wanted to go to Vacation Bible School this year with their friends.   They had never done it before, but were instantly in their element.   It was a wild outdoor adventure theme, so Eva was a “Husky” and Amanda was a “Rabbit.”   For a week I had only Bethany for most of the day, and hardly knew what to do with only one child!  

They came home every day with stories and crafts, and were excited when they found out the camp had met their goal of food donations for the homeless, and would get to see one of the camp counselors made into a human ice cream sundae.  The last day they had an outdoor fair with food and games, and the kids got to perform all the songs they had learned.  Eva and Amanda still love to put on the camp CD and do all the dance moves.  

Playtime

Since we transformed the former play room into a school room, the girls each keep a toy chest in their room, with a toy organizer in Bethany’s room to sort all the little bits and pieces.   With Polly Pockets, Squinkies, and Legos being the girls’ favorite toys now, Bethany’s room is quickly becoming what Aunt Nanci used to call the “choking room”: always strewn about with tiny chokable playthings.  Messier activities like play-dough (Daddy's nemesis), stay outside in the garage.  

 

Bethany’s favorite activity is to ask mommy to fill the sink and then have her toy animals or dolls swim in it.   Though we can’t understand much of what she’s saying, she’ll carry on full conversations with each of her characters having a different voice, and I have no doubt she has the whole imaginary story she’s playing all figured out in her head.  

 

Amanda is in love with “Winter” from the movie “Dolphin Tale,” and she’ll create toy prosthetics for her stuffed dolphin and reenact parts of the movie with it.  She and Eva also love to play “Sniffy,” the adventures of their stuffed dog, with all the other stuffed animals playing their parts as needed. 

 

With the help of our neighbor, David built a solid new play structure for the girls in the backyard, complete with swings, slide, rope ladder, rock wall, and monkey bars.   It’s already provided hours of entertainment and exercise, and proven a big hit whenever their friends come over to play.  Even tiny Bethany is already a pro at climbing all over it.   

 

Eva also learned to ride a bike without training wheels this summer, practicing first on the soft grass and then in the driveway.  Now she’s riding like a pro with perfect confidence. 

Camping

A few weeks ago, we finally took the girls camping for the first time in three years.  It was Bethany's first camping trip.  Several families from our church small group had booked campsites near each other, and the kids played in the woods and climbed trees to their hearts’ content.   The weather cooperated apart from a couple of passing showers, and we fell asleep at night listening to the music of the nearby creek. 

 

Grandma and Grandpa Stone drove up with Aunt Barocha and Uncle Caleb to spend the weekend with us, though they spent the night at our house and drove to visit at our campsite during the day.  We plan to squeeze in one more camping trip before the weather changes, and the girls are really looking forward to it.  

Learning to Swim

Eva and Amanda have come a long way since I first enrolled them in swimming lessons last April.   Amanda started in the shallow learner’s pool, but she was fearless from the start, splashing and scooting off the steps into deeper water before an instructor would direct her to go back.  By the end of the summer she had graduated to the Olympic pool class for beginners.

 

Eva began in the Olympic size pool, with a metal platform under her feet to make it more shallow.   For the first few weeks she clung to the edge with apprehension and wouldn’t leave it unless an instructor had a firm grip on her.   There were two tall and rowdy boys in her class who were constantly splashing and wrestling, so I don’t blame her for being a little unsure.  

 

When the second class began, there were no rowdy kids and she had her best friend Kasey in her class, so she began to warm up to the water and test her limits a little more.  She still wouldn’t let go of the instructors and needed lots of encouragement to jump into the pool, but she was clearly becoming more comfortable in the water.   When she took the class the third time, her confidence blossomed.   She swam across the pool by herself with just a foam noodle for support, she put her face in the water with no fear, and she’d float on her back without having an iron grip on her instructor.   Both of the girls have come a long way, and I hope they can continue to practice as we go into the school year.  

Amanda Turns 5

Summertime in Oregon is the season when everyone spends as much time as they can soaking up the sun before the rain and cold return.   The girls love running around barefoot and going outside without having to bundle up first. 

 

Amanda’s birthday, July 24^th, falls at the perfect time of year when we can almost guarantee good weather for an outdoor party.   This year Amanda picked out a “splish splash” theme from the Oriental Trading Company catalog, so all the kids brought their bathing suits and celebrated with the slip-n-slide, sprinkler, wading pool and squirt guns.  I made a gluten-free cake and a regular cake, and decorated them with sprinkles and a picture of a beach ball.   

Summertime

At 2 ½, Bethany finally got her first haircut on July 2^nd.  Her hair had been getting into her eyes for awhile and she wouldn’t wear a barrette, so we decided to get her bangs cut, leaving her adorable blonde curls alone.  Thank goodness she’s a girl so we didn’t have to cut them! 

 

On 4^th of July weekend Grandma and Grandpa Stone came to visit and brought cousins Asaph, Jirah and Haddie with them.   We took the whole family to see the Corbett July 4^th parade, and the kids were excited to draw along the street with sidewalk chalk and chase after the candy that parade participants threw to the crowds as they passed.   By the time we got home, every child had a bag full of candy.  

 

When it finally got dark around 9pm, we set off fireworks in the driveway and played with sparklers as several of our neighbors shot off roman candles and other illegal fireworks from their backyards, giving us all a 360-degree display of color and flame.   It was a wonderful way to kick off the summer.

Later in the month we joined our friends Mark and Patti for a few days at a vacation house in central Oregon.   Their daughter Megan is good friends with Eva and the girls had a blast sharing one room and giggling long after bedtime.   It was a peaceful getaway with ponds, golf courses, hikes and bike trails.   We hiked out to one of the waterfalls, took the kids for bike rides, and spent a day at the local water park.   We had a wonderful time and were so grateful to our friends for inviting us to come with them and being such amazing hosts.  

Summer Eats

Right now the girls’ favorite snack is toast, which is a bit of a challenge when two of them are gluten-free and GF bread is $5 a loaf.   Summer can be a little more challenging for feeding GF kids because the weather is typically too warm for me to bake GF goodies or continually make hot lunches like soup and GF pasta.  The standard warm weather kid’s lunch for picnics and outings – a sandwich - is either off-limits or made with very expensive GF bread.   Then there are all the birthday parties and get-togethers that tend to involve pizza, burgers, cake and other wheat-laden foods.   Fall is going to be easier now that the weather is cooling down enough for me to bake more.