8/30/07 - House Hunting

Originally, Brookdale wanted Dave to start on Sept 11th, search for a place to live, and then take a week off to move. That would be a great idea except for one thing: I'm not prepared to hold down the fort, caring for a newborn and toddler while trying to pack up the house by myself. I'm still just newly learning how to juggle two kids! So they pushed his start date back to the 17th, and we'll all come up together.

First things first: I'm absolutely scrambling to try and find a place to live. I've been scouring the internet and apartment guide that Dave brought back. Ideally, we'd like a 3 bedroom house with a yard, that will let us keep Rebel (Eva would miss him). But I'm not too picky at this point, since we only plan on renting for 6 months to a year. It's been tough to find something, even after days of making phone calls. Either they don't have anything available until October, or it's on the third floor, or there's no yard or playground for Eva, etc. I finally found three houses within our price range, all managed by the same property management company. My favorite was a pet-friendly 3 bed, 1 bath, 1400 sq. ft. house with a fireplace and fenced back yard. Who could ask for more? When I called to inquire about it, the lady asked if I had driven by it. When I said no, she interrupted me to say "then I can't help you. You must view the property first, then call for an appointment to apply." I explained that we lived in Southern California, but she wouldn't budge. Instead, she said we should come up and stay in a hotel until we've had a chance to look around. There's no way I'd do that with two small kids, and everything we own sitting in a U-Haul out in the parking lot. "Let me get this straight," I said, "You won't send me an application because I don't live close enough to view it in person?" "I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules," she replied.

Never in my life have I run into any business so intent on harassing potential customers with such ridiculous restrictions. Dave finally called the Marketing Director for his new building and asked if she could do a drive-by and get an application for us. If that doesn't work, Dave is considering driving up there to look for a day or two. He'd take a load of boxes in his truck, leave it there at work, and fly home. That way we'd have one less vehicle to worry about moving. Our own property management company isn't as difficult. They came through today to check out our place, take a few pictures, hash out the details and have us sign the papers. Our place will be listed as available to rent on October 1st, and they already have a couple of potential tenants lined up to do a walk thru on Sunday afternoon.

Smiles

I called Jennifer, the mother I've been donating breast milk to, to let her know I can only help her for another couple weeks. She's been so appreciative, and her son is doing much better when he doesn't have to drink formula. There are a few times that Amanda has decided she wanted to nurse right after I finished pumping, so I had barely anything to give her. I got her a bottle for newborns, and tried feeding her pumped milk with it a couple times. She doesn't like drinking from it, but she'll take it if she's really hungry. That's good to know, because with the move, there might be a couple times where it comes in handy. Eva always tries to grab the bottle because she wants to feed sister, but she tends to push it into her mouth and gag her. She also has a new habit of constantly playing with her dirty bare feet, which makes me hesitant to have her touch the baby. I'm constantly washing her hands with baby wipes. Amanda doesn’t seem to mind, and is pretty much used to toddler attention now. Her smiles are few and far between, but they light up the room when we spot them. They're adorable but fleeting, and it’s been next to impossible to catch one on camera. Eva used to smile at the drop of a hat, and I had a picture of it by the time she was 5 days old. Amanda is more serious and contemplative, often studying the world with knit brows as if she was trying to figure it all out.

Catching ZZZ's

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, but it's my own darn fault. Evenings are often the only time I have to myself, and I tend to stay up later than I should. Amanda has been sleeping pretty well the past couple weeks, often in four hour stretches. We've chosen to co-sleep because it's the easiest way to get sleep when you're nursing. I can just roll over in bed and nurse her back to sleep while I go back to sleep myself. I keep a couple cloth diapers under Amanda in case she spits up or has a diaper leak. She's growing so fast, I think she's ready to graduate to size 2 diapers. Already her 0 to 3 month outfits are getting tight, and she's only 5 weeks old!

8/29/07 - Starting Over

Well, it's official. Brookdale has offered Dave a job as Executive Director of their Assisted Living facility in Gresham, Oregon. They want him to start around September 11th, which gives us approximately two weeks to get ready. I'm freaking out at the thought of trying to pack up our entire house in two weeks, especially with a two-year old and one-month old to care for. I keep playing out different scenarios in my head of how we can make this work: moving a three bedroom house, two cars, two kids, and a cat to a whole other state. Not an easy task! Dave might have to go on ahead if we haven't found a house to rent by the time his job starts, and in the meantime we have to get our place ready to rent and find a suitable tenant. Our friend uses a pretty good property manager for his place across the street, so we'll probably call them. We want to try it for at least a year up there before we think about selling our place, to make sure we actually like it.

Logistics

New home, new job, new city and state. New Oregon driver's licenses, auto registrations, and voter registrations. New doctor, dentist, pediatrician, chiropractor. New church, friends, playgroup or mommy group. There are so many things that have to come together for us in the next couple months, and it will take awhile to create some semblance of normalcy. So many things swirl through my head at the thought of moving. On the one hand, it's very adventurous and exciting to think of starting fresh in an entirely new place. It's nice to think of living someplace where we could actually afford to get ahead, buy a house with a yard and put aside money for college. On the other hand, no matter how much I've moved and traveled over the years, I always managed to end up back in Southern California. This is where I most feel at home.

This Old House

Even though I’m sick of all the stairs and am longing for a yard, I’ll really miss this house. The first time I walked in Dave and I had just started dating, and I remember thinking, “if this works out, I might actually be looking at my future home.” I never could have imagined then that this house would be the site for our entire courtship, the first 6 years of our marriage, Eva’s first steps, and even Amanda’s home birth! All of Dave's family lives around here, including Grandma Geri and cousins Allen and Haden. It will be hard not to see them as often. We've been kind of spoiled up to now, living within walking distance of Aunt Nanci and Uncle Gary's house. There are many good friends we'll be leaving behind as well, and that’s hard. I know we'll really miss living near the ocean. From Catalina Island to Orange County, I've never lived more than an hour or two away from the coast. I know Dave will miss surfing and the beach, though he certainly enjoys cycling and fishing.

Seasons Turning

The sun is starting to set earlier and the evenings are getting cooler, though it's still pretty hot during the day. It's not September yet, but it sure feels like it. Schools all over the county started last week and this week. I don't ever remember going back to school before labor day, but I guess schools nowadays run on the "modified traditional" schedule. They start earlier, but they get longer stretches of vacation in between. What I remember most about going back to school as a kid was that it was still too hot in September to wear all your fancy new back-to-school clothes, so you were stuck wearing worn out summer play clothes until October, at least. Autumn is my favorite time of year, and I can't wait for the weather to start cooling off again. I don't like heat, I sunburn far too easily, and I've never looked good in bathing suits or skin-baring clothes, so fall and winter are perfect times of year for me. Give me a comfortable sweater, a warm cup of cocoa and a cozy fireplace any day!

8/27/07 - Juggling Act

I think I'm finally getting the hang of handling both girls by myself, which is good, because Dave is flying up to Oregon for a day to interview with Brookdale. Dave was out working for his buddy a lot this week, so I had plenty of time to practice. I found that Amanda sleeps a lot better if I put her in her swing or bouncy seat, instead of laying her flat. Apparently sitting upright is more comfortable to her. Now that I can set her down a bit more, it's easier for me to take care of Eva when she needs me. I make sure her snack cup and sippy cup are full before I sit down to nurse, and she'll often climb up on the couch next to me to see her sister. When it's nap time, I carry Amanda upstairs and set her down on Eva's bed while I get Eva ready for her nap. Then Eva climbs into her toddler bed, kisses Amanda good-bye, pulls her blanket up over her head, and settles down to sleep. I don't know how the blanket habit got started, but it often results in Eva getting overheated and waking up soaked in sweat. Still, she insists on doing it, and won't go to sleep unless her blanket is snugly over her head. I have to come in after she's soundly asleep and take it off.

The Ants Go Marching

We had a full scale ant invasion on our hands this week. Dave's been doing major deep cleaning all over the house to try and discourage them. Floors, countertops, cabinets, you name it. He even moved the couches with his bad back and vacuumed every possible crumb from under them, while Eva hid from the noise. She still won't go anywhere near a vacuum while it's on. It's nice to be married to a neat freak sometimes. There's the inevitable guilt that I don't keep the house as clean as he would (and I'm the one staying at home), but it's wonderful to have a clean house without having to do all the work. Too bad the ants don't seem to care. I've found them all over the washing machine and bathtub, so it must not be crumbs they're after, but water. We had a good thunderstorm this weekend, courtesy of the remnants of Hurricane Dean. It was the first rain since April, so hopefully they'll have enough water outside to leave us alone now.

Fun & Family

It's been a busy weekend. We finally got Amanda's feet impression in plaster, something we've been meaning to do for weeks. Eva's been asking for "Auntie" and "Bandit" all week, so we went over to Nanci's house and let her get her puppy fix. Bandit and Cleo were getting worked up by the neighbor's dog, so Eva shook her little finger at them and sternly told them to "hush!" She wanted to swim once she saw the pool, so Nanci got her swimsuit out and took her into the water. She had a blast playing with a raft and beach ball, and started to get brave enough to try and push off by herself, only to grab onto Auntie the minute the water got near her face. Amanda was sitting in my lap near the pool when Aunt Nanci accidentally drenched us while trying to splash Bandit, who was barking again. Later, poor Eva got her first fat lip when she tripped over my foot and put her teeth right through her upper lip. It's healed up pretty well already, thankfully. The next day the family got together to celebrate Grandma Geri's 75th birthday. It was the first time baby Amanda got to meet Uncle Larry.

8/24/27 - Baby Games

Eva likes to try out all of the baby toys and gadgets that we have. She pushes all the buttons on the swing, and tries to push Amanda or her doll in it as fast as they can go. Thankfully she hasn't tried to climb into it, since her weight would definitely break it. But she has climbed into the bouncy seat, car seat, and playpen, and let her dolly try them out, too. We brought out her old floor gym for the baby, too, and Eva will lay on her back under it and play with the toys, just like she did as an infant. It's weird to see how big she is in comparison to it now.

One thing she's decided is that everything has to be closed, locked, or buckled at all times. Eva knows how all the latches work, so it's not unusual for me to be ready to put the baby in her swing or car seat, only to discover that all the buckles are latched. Then I have to try to unlock them with one hand, while holding the baby in the other. Eva applies this principle to other things, too. The other day Dave went out on the patio, and Eva came along behind him, closed the sliding glass door, and locked him out. Dave had to call to me through the open second story window to come downstairs and let him in. Eva thought it was hilarious. Her ornery streak really shows itself, sometimes. She spotted a Dora The Explorer DVD the last time we went to Sam's Club, and managed to sneak it into our cart. We didn't notice it until we got to the checkout counter. The weak mommy in me thought it was so cute that I actually considered buying it for about two seconds, but of course I didn't. It's an extra expense that we can't justify right now. Eva's never seen Dora on TV, but she does have a Dora puzzle and purse that she loves, so I guess that's what made her want it. But she must have forgotten about it by the time we got to checkout, because she didn't throw a fit when we set it aside. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

Progress

I took the girls with me to my midwife's appointment this week. Amanda, at one month old, weighed in at a hefty 10 pounds, which means she gained 22 ounces in just two weeks! I, on the other hand, haven't lost anything since my last appointment, holding steady at 148lbs. Michelle asked me how much I wanted to lose, and suggested I try taking the girls out in the double stroller for some exercise. There's another mother in her practice who's having trouble with her milk supply. Her son is six weeks old and has acid reflux, and every formula they've tried has made it worse. Michelle asked me if I'd like to donate breast milk, so I'm using a pump that a friend gave me, and I'm freezing whatever extra milk I have for her.

Good News, Bad News

The bad news is that Emeritus is contesting David's right to unemployment insurance. They have an appeal pending, and Dave is supposed to show up and present his side of the story so a judge can decide whether or not he will continue to receive benefits. We still don't have a date yet, but I'm hoping Dave will have a job by then so it will be a non-issue. To me it's a slap in the face, after all he gave of himself to that company. It's not enough to needlessly let him go, now they have to try and go after his alternative income, when he has two kids to feed. The good news is that Brookdale offered to fly Dave up to Oregon so he can check out a couple buildings that they're considering him for. We're seriously examining our options right now.

God's Warriors

CNN aired a 6-hour series this week called "God's Warriors", about people claiming to represent Judaism, Islam, and Christianity who fight for their beliefs in the public square. Some are more radical and violent than others, but overall I thought Christiane Amanpour did a great job of telling their stories and letting the audience come to their own conclusions. Naturally, I was particularly interested at how Christians in America would be portrayed. The media usually loves to give lots of airtime to the most extreme nut-jobs they can find, which only confirm people's misconceptions about the faith as a whole. I was bugged (though not surprised) to see the majority of coverage go to people like Jerry Falwell and the extremely conservative Southern Baptist Convention. I've never been a fan of those groups, and they certainly don't represent me, or most Christians I know, but it's inevitable that the loudest, most obnoxious people are bound to get the most attention. Certainly everyone has a right to lobby our government on behalf of the issues most important to them. That's the democratic process at work.

Personally, I prefer to stick to voting, or perhaps signing the occasional petition or letter to my congressman. I'm just not into rallies, phone calls, bumper stickers, and making lots of noise. Most of my friends feel the same way, but that's too boring an approach to warrant screen time, I guess. I care about politics, and like to educate myself about the issues, history and current events. But in my view, a person's vote is a decision everyone has to make on their own, based on their conscience and their understanding of the facts, and they have a right to come to their own conclusions without being harassed by the other side. A good debate can be healthy, so long as both parties actually want to discuss the issue (one is not imposing on the other), and if they stick to the facts while respecting the other's right to disagree. I'm on a couple of internet discussion boards where we do just that, but emotions are kept out of the debate so nobody takes it personally. I've discovered that you can learn a lot if you're able to have an honest discussion with the other side without getting easily offended.

8/21/07 - Amanda Smiles

Amanda gave me her first social smile on Sunday. She's smiled before in her sleep, or while nursing contently, but this was the first time she'd looked into my face and returned a smile. She's getting stronger now, capable of holding her head up long enough to take a good look around. She also pushes strongly with her arms and legs, and probably could launch herself out of your arms if you didn't have a good enough grip. I've been a little worried about her since she's been spitting up a lot lately. Her nose has been stuffy a lot, making it hard for her to nurse. I use the suction bulb on her nose a lot, but I can still hear her trying to breathe through clogged sinuses, even when they look clear. She ends up gulping down air, making her tummy upset. Sometimes she tries to breathe through her mouth while nursing and ends up gagging and coughing, and I have to sit her up to help her breathe. Other times she can only nurse for a couple gulps before crying out in pain, and I have to burp her every other minute. After a nursing session like that, she'll fall asleep in exhaustion. I'm suspicious that something I'm eating may not be agreeing with her, but can't figure what it is. I've already cut all gassy foods and dairy products from my diet. Dave thinks Amanda might have a deviated septum, which runs in his family.

Testing the Limits

I got the girls matching shirts before the baby was born. Eva’s says “I’m the Big Sister”, and Amanda’s says “I’m the Little Sister”. They look adorable together! While embracing her big sister role, Eva has recently figured out that it's difficult for me to make her obey me when I'm stuck nursing the baby on the couch, and she's been taking advantage of the situation to see just how much she can get away with. Already she's tried breaking or throwing toys, or dumping her snack on the floor. She'll also take off her glasses, diaper or clothes. I'll tell her "no", and she'll stop and look at me. Then a deviant smile will start to creep onto her face, and she'll slowly start doing whatever I just told her not to, watching for my reaction. The game is up when she sees me get up and start to come towards her, sometimes even with Amanda still latched on. Then Eva will stop and retreat, knowing I mean business.

The Stuff Kids Do

Toddlers are so creative, it's cute to see how their little minds work. Whenever we go somewhere, Eva will take her shoes off and pull the rubber bands from her hair while we're driving, forcing us to put her back together again when we arrive. Her latest obsession has been with bubbles, after Grandma and Grandpa brought several bottles for her from Oregon. She's gotten really good at blowing them herself, but more often she likes to pour the solution into our water fountain, making it foam with bubbles. She likes to take off her glasses and wash them in the soapy water, and once we caught her giving her doll a bath in the water fountain after she'd seen us bathe Amanda. Eva is very much in the imitation stage, from the words we say to everyday actions she sees us do. She tries to put Amanda's diaper on her doll, and then will bunch it up and throw it in the trash. I have to keep my eyes open to keep clean diapers from mysteriously disappearing, since they're so expensive. She likes to pull tissues from the dispenser and pretend to blow her nose. She wants to eat whatever she sees us eating, and rebels if her food looks even remotely different from ours (like cut into smaller pieces). Eva is also very independent. She wants to bathe herself with her own washcloth, and refuses help putting on her sandals.

8/18/07 - Double Take

Taking care of two at once is a challenge I'm trying to learn right now. I was kind of spoiled for the first three weeks with my family here, because there was always someone to hold the baby or help get Eva a snack. Now I have to juggle both their needs by myself. A few days ago I had my first experience at being left alone all afternoon with both girls, and I don't think I did very well. For 5 hours Amanda cried every time I set her down, preferring to sleep in my arms. I couldn't figure out the sling, so I had to just set her down and let her scream every time I needed my hands free, like going to the bathroom or getting Eva dinner. Eva wanted to get out and play, but it was so hot I kept the doors shut with the A/C on, and she got a little stir crazy.

By evening I was getting burnt out and ready for Dave to come home, when he called to say he was going to grab a bite with his buddy and would be home later. Amanda was screaming into the phone the whole time, and I was hoping that would be a hint for him to come home and give me a hand, but no such luck. I was frustrated the rest of the evening, but I know it wasn't really Dave's fault. I was just jealous and wished I could trade places with him at the end of a hard day. If he could nurse, I'd leave them both with him and go out to dinner myself. :) But that's the price I pay for choosing not to introduce her to a bottle. I feel that I already don't give her as much quality time and attention as I gave Eva, and if I wasn't nursing, what little bonding time we have would be cut short. She needs those moments of Mommy's undivided attention, short as they may be. When we start introducing solid foods, I'll start to get more of my freedom back. In the meantime, Amanda's needs come before my wants.

Can't Please Everybody

I've left Dave with the girls long enough to run to the grocery store before, but I always make sure Amanda has nursed on both sides and is pretty full (and hopefully asleep) before I go, and I don't stay out more than an hour. Dealing with a clingy infant isn't so difficult, but it's the feeling that you're being pulled in a dozen different directions at once that gets to you. The baby wants to nurse, Eva wants a snack, they both need diaper changes, I've got to pee, and the phone starts ringing, all at the same time. Everyone wants a piece of you, and it's impossible to give them all what they want. I went back and read Eva's Baby Journal, and remembered how hard it was even to grab a shower when she was little. But now I have double duty, so it's even more tricky. I keep reminding myself that this phase will pass, and soon everyone will be out of diapers and old enough to feed themselves. I just hate the torn feeling that no matter what I do, I'm letting somebody down.

Out And About

I've taken both girls out of the house by myself before, usually with the double stroller, which makes it easier. Once I made a quick trip to Target by putting Amanda's car seat in the basket of the cart while Eva sat up front. All I needed was diapers, and they fit easily under the cart. But I'd never be able to do that at the grocery store, because I'd need to be able to fill the cart without the car seat in the way. I'll have to figure out how to jump that hurdle later.

Dave gets restless and frequently suggests a trip to the beach or park. I want to get out of the house too, but I'd rather go somewhere air conditioned, like the mall or the WeeStart Gym. That way Eva can burn off some steam on the indoor playground while I can nurse in comfort. It's just too hot and muggy to be outside right now, but Dave hates staying indoors. So he takes Eva for a bike ride or walk while I try to stay cool at home. When the weather cools off, I won't mind going outside so much. Even so, one mother at the WeeStart Gym, when she found out Amanda was only 3 weeks old, told me "that's awfully young to be out among other people". Is she kidding? I'd be climbing the walls if I had to stay home for a solid month after having a baby. She's breastfed (and it's not cold season), so her immune system is just fine. Of course, the same lady asked whether Amanda was a boy or girl, even though she was in a flowery pink outfit, so what does she know?

Job Hunting

It's been nearly two months now, and the job hunt hasn't been going so well. There just aren't a lot of prospects locally, and the out of state opportunities we've pursued so far haven't materialized. Dave's buddy X has offered him a job in his business, servicing X-Ray machines. Dave has worked odd jobs for him before, but working full-time is a whole other ball game. For one thing, I know Dave would love to continue working with seniors (Assisted Living was the first job he's ever been truly passionate about). But that's not my primary concern. There are three ways I know of to ruin a perfectly good friendship: borrow money, become roommates, or go into business together. Dave and X have been friends for over 10 years, and he was best man in our wedding. In my opinion, that's too precious a friendship to risk. Business deals can go sour all too easily, and take relationships down with them. Even in success, two people with different opinions on how things should be done is enough to strain even the closest friendships. That's a risk I'd rather not take, but ultimately, it's up to Dave.

8/16/07 - Heat Wave

The hot weather that scorched the rest of the country last week finally caught up with us this week. The humidity has been over 80%, making it feel even hotter, and I've been staying downstairs with the A/C going as much as I can. Life is very different than it was just a month ago. In some ways it feels sort of like a time warp to me: sleep deprivation, spit up, dozens of diaper changes, the daily load of baby laundry, spending a good portion of every day nursing on the couch. Even products that I haven't had to use in months, like Desitin and gas drops, get me wondering, didn't I just get finished doing this? It's weird to be starting all the way back at the beginning again. To make it more challenging, Amanda wants to be held constantly, making it difficult to get anything done. I've noticed that she'll sleep soundly when I'm holding her upright, but often wake up and cry when I set her down. I don't know if it's because of acid reflux or gas, or just because she wants Mommy. Honestly, it doesn't really matter, but I know I try to set her down a lot more than I did with Eva. When Eva was born, I held her constantly, sometimes even through an entire nap, just because I enjoyed it. I'd jump up and get her the minute I heard a whimper. I feel badly that I'm less inclined to hold Amanda as much, or run to her as quickly when she cries, but with a toddler I have more demands on my time. I just don't want Amanda to feel like she has to throw a fit to get my attention, so when she fusses, I try and get to her before she really gets worked up. I need to figure out the Moby Wrap I bought so I can have my hands free. I have a Maya Wrap that I used with Eva, but I wasn't very impressed with how it worked for newborns. It was better for older babies that could sit up and support their own heads.

New Challenges

When you first have a baby, people always tell you to "sleep when the baby sleeps". When you've got another child, however, that can be difficult to manage. They rarely sleep at the same time during the day. I tend to hit the wall around 5pm, when I'm occasionally able to catch a catnap while holding Amanda on my chest. There's something about holding a sleeping infant that makes you very drowsy. With Dave home, I've been able to catch a few naps a week, or at least sleep in an extra hour if the night before was rough. Sleep at night is touch-and-go right now. Some nights Amanda will wake only 2 or 3 times to nurse, and others she'll wake and fuss every hour. Once she kept me up until 2:30am, and then a few of nights later she slept fine until 4am, when she woke with gas pains and fussed for the rest of the morning. We really haven't established a pattern yet. As much as I miss a full night of sleep, it can have it's downside, too. A couple days ago I woke from an unusually good night of sleep to engorged breasts, because Amanda hadn't nursed as much as usual that night. I soon discovered that it had caused a painful clogged milk duct on my right side. My mom recommended hot compresses and frequent nursing to prevent it from turning into full-blown Mastitis (breast infection). Thankfully it cleared up the next day, and I learned something new about taking care of myself while breastfeeding.

Being 2

Eva has adjusted remarkably well to having a new baby in the house, and is rather proud of her little sister. At church on Sunday, she noticed my friend Rosila holding her baby daughter Jessica, and immediately started pointing towards Amanda and declaring "baby!", as if to say, "I've got a baby, too, see?" She loves to show the baby off. The only time Eva seems to get jealous is when Daddy tries to carry the baby in her car seat instead of her. We expect her to walk and hold our hands when we go out, but she prefers Daddy to carry her.

Eva's become much more vocal, attempting to repeat every word she hears, and getting about half of them right. The funny part is, while she can say "Amanda" very clearly, she still can't say her own name very well. Whenever she tries to say "Eva", it comes out sounding more like "wa-wa". When she prays with Daddy before a meal, Eva likes to bless everyone by name: "Auntie, Amber, Kay-Kay (Michayla), Bandit (Nanci's dog)...." It's really cute to watch. She loves puzzles, and Dave's convinced that she's a genius at them, so he bought her two 24-piece puzzles designed for "3 yrs and up". He insists that if he just puts together the first few pieces, she can do the rest without help.

Temper, Temper!

Amanda changes every time we blink, it seems. Already her cheeks are starting to fill out and she's developing an adorable double chin, courtesy of momma's breast milk. Her delicate newborn skin is peeling in a few places. She's got a touch of 3-week baby acne with bumps on her face and scalp, though it's not nearly as bad as Eva's was (hers looked downright painful!). Amanda has also developed a definitive way of letting you know when she's not happy: she screams her head off! There's a small window of patience if her needs are not quickly addressed, making her likely to have a meltdown. We've noticed this several times when driving home with her. If she's sick of being in the car seat, she'll cry all the way home. I try to minimize it by making sure she's well fed and changed before strapping her in, so she'll hopefully sleep instead. We've also noticed that she's pretty impatient when she's hungry, and she'll protest loudly at anything that comes between her and food (like a diaper change) when she wants to nurse. During a growth spurt, when she wants to nurse almost every hour, I can barely set her down. Even though she's not as laid back as Eva was, I'd still consider her a pretty easy baby. She isn't colicky, and her needs are simple: feed me, change me, burp me, hold me. Pretty typical for a new baby trying to adjust to life outside the womb. The burping part can get difficult, though. For some reason, it can be really difficult at times to coax a burp out of her, leading to tummy troubles and fussiness, especially at night. Eva, being the compassionate soul that she is, will try to comfort her sister whenever she hears her crying. She'll say, "OK, Amanda", and make shooshing sounds to soothe her.

8/12/07 - Six Years Together, and Going Strong...

We had our sixth wedding anniversary this Saturday. It's hard to believe how time has flown! Grandma and Grandpa watched Eva while Dave and I went to The Picket Fence for breakfast. It was nice to get away for a little "couple time", even with the new baby in tow. She slept most of the time, anyway, so that worked out well. In the evening we went out with my family to the Harbor Fish Café. Then we went for a walk along the beach boardwalk, and came home to open presents (it was Grandma’s birthday, too). The next morning, my family started bright and early for the drive home to Oregon. It was wonderful having them here these past three weeks. I'm glad they made it in time for Amanda's arrival. Eva enjoyed having my brother and sister to play with. She'd go through the house calling "Bow-kah!" (Barocha) and "Ka-yeb!" (Caleb) whenever she wanted them. They had a lot of fun playing together.

Adventures

Dave and Aunt Nanci took Eva, Allen and Haden down to Balboa Park on Wednesday, to visit the aviation and automotive museums at Balboa Park. My family was all at Disneyland, so it was my first time at home alone with the baby. I decided to take the opportunity to get out of the house, and ran my first errand with little Amanda. We had three gift cards to Target, and they have a new grocery section, so I figured we could knock out most of the things on my list with one stop, without dipping into our cash reserve. When I got there, they had half the parking lot roped off for repaving, and drivers were rudely fighting for the other spaces. One guy behind me laid on the horn while I waited for a mother and her three kids to cross the lot in front of me. She yelled some choice words at him after he sped around me.

When I came back from the store, I found that a grey Suzuki had parked within inches of my driver's side, making it impossible for me to get into the car. I loaded everything into my trunk, took Amanda's car seat off the shopping cart, and carried her into the nearest restaurant in search of the driver. I must have looked panicked, the hormonal post-partum mother of a two-week-old baby, blocked out of her car in the summer heat. The girl at the counter immediately got on the overhead speaker and asked for the driver of a grey Suzuki to come forward, and within minutes he was backing out for me, blaming the parking job on his wife. It was added stress that I didn't need on my first time out with the new baby, but it taught me that I can handle a lot more than I think, even when I'm feeling most vulnerable.

Learning to Trust

The company that wants to hire Dave for their Washington location doesn’t seem to be in a hurry, and it’s trying my patience. So far he's sailed through two interviews with flying colors, and they've told him that he still needs to interview with three other people, who will be calling him soon. Problem is, they never tell him when the call will be, so he ends up waiting around for days in suspense. I’m not in a big hurry to move, but I’d like to know what the verdict is, one way or another. Right now this is the only real potential job offer we have, and it’s hard to wait patiently to see if it will materialize.

It's been a long time since I've lived on the edge of faith, trusting God for each day, and I find I'm a bit rusty at it. When I was young and single, I thought nothing of trusting God to provide miraculously for me on the mission field, and He always came through, even in the most impossible circumstances. I guess it feels more adventurous when you know that you're the only one who suffers if you get it wrong. But when you've got a family with small children, the stakes are suddenly higher, and it can be hard to truly leave things in God's hands and not worry. It helps to remember that our kids are blessings on loan from God for a short while, and He loves and cares for them even more than we do.

Dave’s been out of work for a month and a half now, but thanks to God's faithful provision, we've really had nothing to worry about. We've been able to pay all our bills, our new baby's arrival has brought gift cards and other presents from friends and family, and we've been approved for Unemployment and MediCal. My parents paid for groceries and expenses during their entire visit, and Dave's friend Xavier has hired him a couple of times to do extra work for him. The price of gas has finally dropped below $3.00, and the weather has been so mild that we've only had to turn on the A/C twice all summer, which brings down a couple of our bills. With these unexpected bits of income, we've managed to stretch our savings a lot further than we originally thought.

8/7/07 - Newborn Bliss

I saw my midwife again today for a follow-up appointment, and everything looks good. I’ve lost 23lbs since the birth already, and Amanda has gained 8 ounces in the past two weeks, bringing her up to 8lbs 10oz. Apart from the occasional case of cabin fever from being stuck at home so much, I'm really enjoying having a newborn in the house again. I get a second chance to enjoy dressing her in all the itty bitty, adorable outfits I loved when Eva was little. I love Amanda's tiny feet, and her downy hair that sticks up in spiky fashion. I love her little coos and expressions, the way she makes me drowsy when she falls asleep on my chest, and how her little legs fold up like a frog's when she's curling up into a sleepy ball. I love how she smiles in her dreams, especially when she's nursing, and she gets that contented look on her face when she's drunk with milk. I'm surprised to discover how much I missed nursing, and how much I enjoy doing it again. Sure, I miss the freedom of being able to simply call a friend to baby-sit and get away for awhile, but it's a short-lived stage. I know I could pump and train Amanda to take a bottle when I want an evening out, but I hate pumping, and always preferred to just take the baby with me when they're so small. Eva never would take a bottle, and I was kinda glad she preferred me, even though it cramped my style a few times. That time blew past before I knew it, and I missed it once it was gone. So I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts, limit myself to activities where I can bring the baby along, and appreciate this short time of bonding that I have.

Size Matters

Now that I have a newborn in my arms again, Eva looks positively enormous to me by comparison. Her size 5 diapers make Amanda's look like doll diapers, even though she's already outgrown the newborns and upgraded to size 1. When Amanda stretches out, her feet barely brush my lap, but Eva's feet already reach down to my knees. After lifting Eva's nearly 30lbs, Amanda feels light as a feather. Comparing their clothes is amazing. And seeing them side by side, with Eva's head laying next to her sister's tiny one, she looks almost grown-up by comparison. It amazes me that only a month ago I was admiring how Eva had just enough baby fat left in her face, hands and feet to keep her looking delightfully like her baby self. Eva not only looks older to me now, but I'm astonished to find that I'm starting to view her as potentially dangerous as well.

No longer is she simply my innocent little toddler, trying to learn about her world and test the limits. Now, through no fault of her own, she's a potential baby attacker. There's not one place in the house where I can set the baby down without worrying that Eva will manage to climb up and possibly hurt her if I dare to turn my back for a second. Already she has tried at different times to pull Amanda's hair, slap her, pull her arm in the wrong direction, and nearly smothered her with a kiss - all while I was holding her and trying to keep Eva at bay! I think Eva thinks that Amanda is made of the same stuff as her longsuffering dolls. "Gentle, Eva!" has become a constant mantra in our house. She loves to be near her sister, to touch and kiss and play with her, not realizing her own strength or Amanda's fragility. She gets really upset if we have to separate her from the baby, so we do our best to protect Amanda without pushing away Eva. It's a tough balance to keep.

Looking Back

Everyone asks me how the birth went, and whether or not I'd like to do a waterbirth at home again. I think a more appropriate question is, would I ever want to give birth again, at all? I always wanted more than just two kids, and I'd hate to look back a decade from now and regret what could have been. Still, pregnancy is a difficult experience for me, between the horrible nausea and severe discomfort of the final weeks, and I'm not in a hurry to repeat it. I'm enjoying the newfound freedom of sleeping on my belly again and feeling two tons lighter, while my pelvic bones still ache from the birth. :) Not a good time to ask about more kids, while I'm still in recovery.

At any rate, I definitely prefer the atmosphere of a home birth to that of a hospital. There were some definite moments of panic for me, when I reached that tell-tale stage in labor where I thought there's no way I could do this and wasn't going to make it. In that moment, the last thing you need is a hospital staff more than ready to confirm your worse fears: that you can't do it, and need to be rescued with modern technology. Instead, I had very wise midwives who knew the difference between the natural symptoms of Transition (despair) and a true emergency. Between them and David, all I heard were encouraging words that I was doing a great job, that Amanda was almost here, and that my body was perfectly designed to do this. I do think that this birth was more painful than my last, probably because it went so quickly that my endorphins didn't have much time to catch up. It felt like I was on a runaway train, and before I knew it, she was here.

The tub of warm water didn't dull the pain, but it helped me cope by allowing me to move freely and taking the weight off my back and hips. It also helped prevent me from tearing: I ended up with only one tiny tear that didn't even require stitches. The freedom, support, and control I had over my own birth experience was worth the trade off. And being able to crawl into my own bed with my warm new bundle was amazing, too. I could eat immediately, without having to wait for the cafeteria to open like last time, and I didn't have nurses coming into my room every hour to disturb my rest. I honestly think my recovery those first few days was much better because I was already home. Eva was able to come and go as she pleased, without visitor restrictions in a strange place. She felt totally comfortable climbing up into our bed to meet her new sister, and was never kept away from Mommy, which I think really helped her bond with the baby and avoid resentment.

Taking It Slow

Once again, I find myself frustrated by how long it takes to truly recover. I have to keep reminding myself it's barely been a week and a half, but I'm going kind of stir crazy. It seems every time it seems like I'm on the verge of feeling normal again, I have another setback. For one thing, I noticed that something as simple as picking up Eva can start me bleeding again. And with the feminine dryness that goes along with nursing, that makes for a very uncomfortable and inconvenient situation. A ride in the car or sitting too long in a certain chair can get my bruised pelvic bones aching badly enough for me to take extra Advil. It's hard to recognize my physical limitations and ask for someone's help, when all I want to do is simply throw in a load of laundry or run to the store.

8/3/07 - Job Prospects

David had three more job interviews this week. Only one was for a local position, and, unfortunately, it’s not a very viable lead. The owner has willingly admitted to crossing ethical boundaries with business practices that Dave and I aren't comfortable with. It’s tempting to look the other way and simply take the job, since it starts immediately and doesn’t require us to move, but we truly cannot compromise with good conscience. I thank God for a man like Dave, who is willing to stand by his principles, even when it costs him. The second interview was for an Executive Director position near Santa Cruz, but the cost of living is so much higher in that area, it really wouldn't be worth our while. The third job opening is in Walla Walla, Washington. It doesn't pay as much, but the cost of living is so much lower, it adds up to the equivalent of a 20% pay raise, approximately. We'd certainly prefer something local if it were possible, but this is a move we're willing to consider. The thought of uprooting and relocating to another state, with a newborn and toddler, frankly terrifies me. It’s not the idea of living somewhere new, but the thought of all the logistical challenges involved in making such a huge transition with two small kids. Still, if this is where God wants us, I know it will work out.

Adjusting

I've only been left alone with both kids for the stretch of an hour or two, and that was while Dave was within shouting distance, up in the garage. But I'm already daunted by the thought of being responsible for juggling the needs of two very dependant youngsters at the same time. Eva only takes an hour or so nap after lunch, and Amanda has already decided that's her wide awake time, so I doubt I'll be able to catch a nap during the day. And Amanda also tends to want to nurse at the exact time when we're trying to feed Eva or get her ready for bed. I can tell it's going to be a challenge for me for awhile, but I hope I get the hang of it sooner rather than later. My parents are only here for one more week (which is all the more reason why I want to be fully functional by then). After they leave, Dave will be home, but I'll still be alone with them quite a bit while Dave gets other things done. I bought a sling that will hopefully make it easier for me to multi-task, giving me a couple free hands.