Turning Point

Up to about 14 months, toddlers aren't really capable of deliberately defying you. They may disobey you about touching the light socket a dozen times, but it's because everything around them looks so interesting, they have short memories, and little, if any, impulse control. The only thing you can do at this time is distract, redirect, and hide anything dangerous. Between 15 and 18 months, however, toddlers are beginning to understand and remember the boundaries you have set. Now the game has become: what reaction will I get if I push this boundary? It's not malicious, it's just normal curiosity to see how much power they have and who is really in charge.

I've already seen this starting to bud in Eva. Whereas before she'd be so absorbed in exploring she would barely hear me say "no", now she'll look straight at me, smile, and deliberately do something I just told her not to, like throw her food or push the power button on the computer. She wants to see what will happen and what my reaction will be. It's an interesting development. I've read that now is the crucial time to establish two bedrock principles: we love you unconditionally, and Mommy and Daddy are in charge. They say a child who doesn't respect parental authority (balanced with the confidence of being loved no matter what) by the age of two, is much more likely to have discipline problems in the future. That doesn't mean they'll stop being toddlers and no longer push the limits. It just means they need to understand that a loving parent will be there to firmly hold the line when they try to cross it, and not be a push-over. It gives children a sense of security to know where the boundaries are, and that people who love them are there to rein them in.