6/26/05 - Joys of Motherhood

Motherhood has it's perks as well as it's frustrations. The slight inconvenience of nursing is more than compensated for by not having to mess with formula, the relaxing bonding time it creates, and a significantly larger bosom. Eva is a relatively patient baby, and doesn't upset easily, except for fussy periods in the evenings. Her little smiles and facial expressions are priceless, and the other day I heard her giggle in her sleep. It took me by surprise because she's never laughed before. She makes cute little noises when she sleeps, which I find surprisingly reassuring at night. It's amazing how much my emotions are tangled up in this tiny bundle, only three weeks old and still unable to focus on close objects without going cross-eyed. Her smile lights up my day, and concern for her tummy troubles can put me in tears.

There are moments of frustration, like when I have to change three diapers in the space of 10 minutes because she decides to poop in phases rather than all at once. Of course, running up and down the stairs to change her is probably the reason why I've lost a total of 25 pounds, and only have 10 more to go. That, and the fact that I'm not eating like I was when I was pregnant. It amazes me that no matter when I try to squeeze in a meal, she wakes up the minute I sit down to eat it. Dave and I often have to take turns eating dinner. I also have to be careful about what I eat, and avoid anything that might make her gassy, like broccoli, cabbage and beans. But our little girl is more than worth it, and already changes a bit every day. She's recently developed a case of baby acne on her face and scalp.

Show and Tell

Liza asked me to share my birth story with her current Bradley class, so I took Eva along. It was the first time I took her out of the house by myself, and I was nervous that she would scream the whole way in the car. But she was surprisingly content, and rested happily in Liza's arms while I shared my story. It was great to look around the room at all these hugely pregnant women and realize that I was no longer one of them. A few months ago I was on their side of the divide, and now I’m happily sleeping on my tummy again.

6/20/05 - Father's Day

Dave had his first Father's Day. I started making him breakfast, but he had to take over when the baby needed to be nursed. I gave him a "Daddy and Me" picture frame to put on his desk at work. We took Eva to church for the first time that morning, and introduced her to everyone. We spent the day at his sister Nanci's house with the rest of his family, and had a barbeque. It was the longest period of time Eva has ever been out of the house, and she went through every diaper we brought, but it was great for her to spend time with her doting aunt and uncles. Dave's sister Laura and brother Larry still haven't seen her because they've been sick, so hopefully they'll meet their niece at the family party on the 4th of July. I mentioned to Dave that he seems to be enjoying fatherhood, and he said "Well, it's relatively easy." Easy compared to what, I asked? "Motherhood," he said. It's sweet of him to notice all the work I do, especially since most of it is so redundant I often can't think of what I've accomplished at the end of the day.

Growth Spurt

Eva has started nursing about every two hours, round the clock. I'm taking more naps with her to compensate for lost sleep. I don't know if this is part of a new pattern where she'll be awake more often, or just the growth spurt my doula told me to expect about every two weeks. Her umbilical cord stump has fallen off and left a cute little belly button. I've started giving her baths in her infant tub, which she loves. Her hair looks lighter now, and has hints of red. It has started sticking up on top, looking kind of poofy. I finally got the courage to trim her delicate little nails after she clawed my neck a couple days ago. I was so worried I'd accidentally cut her, I had kept putting it off. I try to take her on little outings with Dave's help when he gets home in the evenings, as it's getting easier for me to move around. So far we've taken her to Wal-Mart, Albertson's and Sam's Club. I've been having trouble figuring out how to make her car seat fasten securely to a shopping cart, so I end up carrying her in the maya wrap. It's good to get out of the house, if only for a quick errand.

House Bound

The days are kind of a blur of nursing, napping, and changing diapers. Alot of days my teeth don't even get brushed until 2pm. I try to change into shorts and a nursing top by afternoon, though there really isn't an occasion for doing so. I do it so I can at least feel human, and so Dave doesn't have to come home to his wife in the same sour milk-stained pajamas he left her in that morning. When I left Ben Bridge I wondered how I would still afford to get my Clinique makeup, but since I haven't worn makeup in a month, I'm going to assume it's a non-issue. Dave says I'm "glowing" and don't need makeup. He's such a smooth talker.

It's a huge adjustment to be home all day, and I certainly plan on getting out of the house more, but for now I feel like we're in quarantine. I hesitate taking a three-week-old out any more than necessary to preserve my sanity, since her immune system isn't fully developed yet. Dave suggested I take her out for a walk in the stroller, but our neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks and cars come whipping around blind corners. We did walk her to Nanci's house in the stroller the other day, and she couldn't believe we had risked it because of the way people drive in our neighborhood.

My hips are feeling good enough for me to drive now, but I still hesitate taking her out by myself until she's a bit older. Especially since the last few times I've taken her out, I've spent the majority of the time nursing in the car, or she's pooped or spit up all over herself and me. Once was at my sister-in-law's house, and thankfully she had a T-shirt I could borrow. Now I keep an extra set of clothes for myself in the car. I'm slowly getting the hang of this nursing thing. The challenge for me has been less sore nipples, more in keeping myself clean. I'm amazed how many nursing pads I can go through in a day. If I don't change them frequently enough, or if I don't keep a burp rag strategically placed while Eva nurses, I end up with my clothes soaking wet.

6/17/05 - Adjusting To A New Life

Everything is new and different, and it's an adjustment for the whole family. Dave has gone back to work, and I'm still recovering at home. I'm starting to heal and now have less difficulty sitting on different chairs around the house, though I still need my donut pillow for the car and can't drive yet. When I've overdone it, like walking too far running an errand, my hips and tailbone get very sore. My tummy is squishy like a deflated balloon with ugly stretch marks. I hear the weight rule is nine months up, nine months down (though I lost 15lbs giving birth), so Dave took me to the mall to buy larger jeans.

I'm learning to use the new nursing tops I bought, and I'm trying to figure out the best ways to wear Eva in a baby sling so I can carry her around the house. It's more of a challenge than I thought. We took Eva on her first major outing to take Grandma (my mom) back to the airport. She slept most of the drive, but she definitely prefers being held to riding in the stroller. One more reason to get that sling figured out. Eva decided she was hungry right after we arrived, so I had my first challenge of nursing in public. Then she filled her diaper to overflowing, and I had to strip her down to her socks in the public bathroom and dress her in a new clean outfit. There's another reminder to self: always have a change of clothes on hand.

New Routine

My days are starting to develop an element of predictability. Dave and I try to get in bed around 10pm because we know Eva will be up for part of the night. Sometimes I can nurse her back to sleep, sometimes she's up for a couple hours before I can put her back down. Then I try to catch more shut-eye. In the mornings I try to take advantage of Eva's naps to load the dishwasher or throw in a load of laundry. We have to do at least one load a day now in order to keep up with all the washcloths (we use them as wipes), burp rags, and nursing bras and tops that get spilt on, not to mention the number of outfits she can go through. No doubt about it: caring for a baby is a messy business right from the start. In the afternoons I try to take it easy or nap with Eva.

In the evenings she starts getting fussy, which is frustrating because it's the only time Dave gets to spend with her, and she seems to want to nurse constantly for comfort. I don't know if it's her tummy bothering her or if she's just tired (even after sleeping most of the day), but it would be nice if she would let Dave hold her long enough for me to take a shower or make dinner. She goes through about 10 diaper changes a day, and nurses around that many times, so she spends most of her day in my arms. I've been watching quite a bit of "Baby Week" on the Discovery Health channel the past couple days, and seeing all these people trying to handle multiples or premies makes caring for little Eva a breeze by comparison. That, and a daily dose of prenatal and B-vitamins, helps me battle the baby blues and keep things in perspective.

6/15/05 - Second Week

Motherhood is definitely a huge transition. Never have I felt so much like laughing and crying at the same time. I love watching Eva's little facial expressions, and holding her while she sleeps. She fusses when she needs to be burped, but she rarely cries. She's still sleeping four hours at a stretch during the night, which is a huge blessing. She's scared me a couple of times by violently spitting up without so much as a whimper of warning. It freaks me out.

Baby Blues

I'm not recovering as quickly as I'd like. My Grandma brought me a donut pillow to sit on, which has helped quite a bit. I have to use it to sit at the dining table or ride in the car, because my hips and tailbone are still very sore. I think the side-facing position Eva took on her way out did a number on my pelvic bones. I'm taking the ibuprofen the hospital prescribed, but sitting around the house waiting for my pelvis to heal has given me a serious case of cabin fever. I've never watched so many movies from our DVD collection in my life.

Mom says I have the baby blues. They hit me especially hard in the evening, when I realize the day is over and I feel like I haven't done anything with it. It's a huge adjustment being home all day, and I dread loneliness. When Eva is a little older I hope to start getting together with other stay-at-home moms at my church. I don't consider myself a very emotional person, but right now my moods change quickly and I cry too easily. Big thanks to the hormone cocktail my body has me on right now. Mom took me out to get Dave his first Father's day card and a few other things, and I was amazed that even with Mom's help, it took several hours. Eva wanted to nurse, then needed a diaper change, then wanted to nurse some more, and then had a painful gas bubble she had trouble burping up. I felt so helpless, and it made me worry how I'm going to manage by myself. I need to get out of the house, but it's a huge challenge. I think anyone who deliberately tries to become a single mom is out of her mind. I can't imagine tackling baby care without Dave and my family.

Daddy David

I love watching Dave and Eva together. He is absolutely in love with her, and is such a wonderful daddy. He does more than his fair share of diaper changes and burp duty, which is a huge blessing for me. It’s amazing how many guys won’t do that. The two of them like to rock in the recliner until they both fall asleep. They make quite a pair. The other night Eva was unusually fussy, so David dimmed the lights in our bedroom and slow-danced with her to Frank Sinatra love songs. It worked like magic. Eva just stared up at him with eyes full of wonder. It was a beautiful picture.

6/11/05 - One Week Old

What an incredible week! Eva is absolutely amazing. My hips and tailbone are sore, and my stitches make me walk tenderly (especially on the stairs), but every time I see her little face I know it was all worth it. She is very alert and expressive, and has definite personality. She loves dancing to music in her daddy's arms, being rocked in our overstuffed easy chair and watching people's faces. She's very interactive, and makes this adorable little expression we call her "pirate face", where she squints one eye quirks her little mouth.

She's being very easy on us, sleeping in four-hour stretches at night. I'm told that's not unusual for the first week or two, so I won't hold my breath, but for now it's nice not to be sleep deprived. At two days old she starting lifting her head, and on her third day she smiled so wide we spotted a dimple. My pediatrician didn't believe me until Eva beamed at her (most newborns don't smile for at least a month), and then she said it was a definite social response and that Eva was advanced for her age. I wonder if that has anything to do with being allowed to arrive on her own time (13 days late) and having a drug-free labor. Since most women use some form of pain relief, it's possible that "normal" for most babies includes waiting for these drugs to fully pass out of their systems.

Eva has already regained and passed her birth weight, and is now 8lbs 5oz. So I guess that means that breastfeeding is working just fine. It's definitely is an acquired skill, but I think I've got the hang of it, with only mild soreness that is already starting to go away. Now if I can just figure out how not to make a mess when she pulls away unexpectedly.

Transition to Parenthood

Dave and I can hardly believe we're parents. It was a trip the first time I heard the doctor's office call and ask to speak "to the parents of Evangelina". My mother has flown in from Oregon for a week and friends from church are delivering meals, which is giving me more time to rest and recover. Dave is so wonderful with the baby that I'm dreading him going back to work and leaving me on my own. I know he's not looking forward to it either. When Mom and I took Eva to her second pediatrician appointment, Dave stayed behind to finish a project, but when we came home he said he had already begun to miss her. Isn't that sweet?

Eva's Birth Story

Born: Saturday, June 4, 2005
3:19am
8lbs 1oz, 19 inches long

May 12
10 days until my due date. I went to see my doctor and she stripped my membranes without my permission. I was hesitant to complain because I was afraid of starting a dispute with the doctors who might be delivering me. I thought it would make them even less cooperative when it came to my birth plan. But Liza, my Bradley instructor, told me that putting them on notice now would make them more careful in the future, because they would know that I demand the right to informed consent. I called my doctor’s office to try to speak to her about what she did, but she was gone for the weekend. I did speak with the office manager, who told me she would make sure to let the doctor know I was unhappy and put it in my file that they are to speak to me in advance of any procedure they recommend. She said she believed the reason Dr. R did what she did is because even though I was 38 weeks, my belly was measuring the average for 40 weeks, so I was a bit large. I told her that was neither a complication nor an emergency, it was a judgment call and I should have been given the choice. The women in my family carry alot of amniotic fluid, and what is "average" size anyway? I'm not afraid of a large baby.

May 22, Due Date
I declined a cervical exam at my appointment last Thursday. I told the doctor it was only a curiosity factor at this point and I don't want to rush anything unless the baby is in distress. I got the impression that she attributed my concerns more to Bradley “indoctrination” than to her own presumption. I told her I just want her to let me know before she does any medical procedure on me, so long as it’s not an emergency. When she measured my belly, she said "the baby is definitely still growing, and you're not having a six-pounder", which I suppose was an off-handed way of suggesting the baby might get to big for me.

Thursday, June 2, 12 days overdue
The doctor told me I'm four centimeters dilated, and she can't believe I haven't started labor yet. They had to do another NST (Non-Stress Test) to make sure the baby is getting enough oxygen and nutrients. I knew that an inactive baby can mislead them into thinking something is wrong, so I had a high-protein, high-carb breakfast and then a cup of coffee on my way out the door. Baby Eva was relatively quiet during the first 15 minutes of the test, but started jumping around for the second half, which was what they wanted. Then the doctor got the ultrasound machine to check my amniotic fluid levels (BPP – Biophysical Profile). I knew that was a possibility, so I had made sure to drink as much as possible that morning. I passed with flying colors. Even though everything was normal, she asked me if I just wanted to go on over the to hospital for induction. I said no, I don't want to risk putting the baby in distress if I can avoid it, so I'll wait for the full 14 days. She at first said I'd need another NST, but then changed her mind and simply scheduled me for induction at the hospital at 6:30am on Monday morning. She gave me the appointment slip and said "But I don't think you'll need it. Now go home and have sex!" That night I had difficulty sleeping because of a constant ache in my back, especially in my right hip. I finally piled up some blankets on the couch and found a comfortable enough position to fall asleep around 3am. I woke around 10am and started taking the herbal supplement my doula, Dawn, had recommended.

2:00pm Friday, June 3
I started getting strong contractions about 10 minutes apart. They were painful enough that I called Dave to come home from work. He got me something to eat and coached me to breathe and relax.

5:00pm

Dawn arrived to help. The pain in my back and hips was too intense for me to relax, and I couldn't find a comfortable position. It felt like someone was grabbing my hips and trying to push them apart, even between contractions. Dawn dimmed the lights, put on soothing music, rubbed my back, and reminded me breathe deeply and vocalize low in my throat. She helped me to let go of the tension after every "surge". Dave was my cheerleader, letting me squeeze the daylights out of his hand, telling me how great I was doing, and reminding me to keep drinking. Dawn had me try different positions to get the pressure off my hip. More than once I felt the baby descend after a change of position, which was heartening.

9:00pm
My water broke with a sudden pop, gushing all over the bed. I was relieved to discover there was no meconium, even though she was 12 days late. The surges started coming faster and stronger, so Dave loaded up the car and we headed for the hospital. When we got to the emergency room it was crowded, and it took them a few minutes to realize I was farther along than they thought. I was afraid to have a contraction and start yelling in front of all these people. They finally got a wheelchair and rushed me upstairs to the maternity ward, where the lady at the front counter gave me papers to sign (It's ironic they make you sign that you've read everything when you're so focused on just making it through the next contraction that you can't comprehend a word). She kept me standing there waiting for a nurse, even though we had called ahead and I had several strong contractions leaning on the counter. Dawn told me later she was watching the clock and that my contractions were 2 minutes apart and a minute and a half long at this point, and she was getting irritated with the staff that they weren’t more on the ball. Even though we had called ahead, they had no idea we were coming and weren’t ready for us. I told Dawn that maybe she would finally give me a room if I puked on her desk, and she laughed that at least I hadn't lost my sense of humor. Finally a nurse appeared and took me into the nearest delivery room. Along the way I had another strong surge and leaned against the railing to wait it out, but the nurse kept pulling on my arm, saying "we don't want you to have the baby right in the hall." I wasn't able to argue, but I thought it was ridiculous that she couldn't wait for my contraction to pass.

9:30pm
They finally got me situated in my room, where I vomited, a clear sign that I was in transition. I was encouraged to think it was almost over. They immediately hooked me up to a fetal monitor and examined me, telling me I was at 9.5 centimeters. I only had a bit of an anterior lip to get past in order to push. Then the doctor on call arrived, the one male in my OB/Gyn group and the only doctor I hadn't met yet. He began insisting that they hook me up to an I.V. Dawn explained that I put it in my birth plan that I didn't want an I.V., and my primary doctor had approved it. "Well, I'M the physician on duty right now," he responded, "and it's important that we have I.V. access in case of hemmorage..." My contractions were right on top of each other and I could hardly speak, and it upset me that this doctor was trying to argue with me in the middle of all this. I knew if I started hemmoraging they could give me a shot of pitocin without an I.V., but I couldn't argue. For a second I thought about consenting to a heparin lock just to get him off my back, but I couldn't imagine how I could hold still for them to put it in. All the while Dawn was trying to get me to focus on relaxing through my surges. "It's still your choice," she reminded me. "You don't have to consent to anything you don't want." So I told the doctor no on the I.V. Then they started asking me questions about any meds I was taking, etc. I could only offer one-word answers. All the while I was vocalizing through every contraction, trying to keep my voice low because a high tone makes you tense up. I told Dawn my hips were still killing me, so she began to apply counterpressure. It was difficult with that fetal monitor strapped on. The doctor asked if I wanted something for the pain, and Dawn told him I didn't want any offered and would ask for it if it got too much. He snapped at her, "Well, I don't listen to people in pain without offering relief". It ticked me off that he seemed to have an attitude about all my requests. I couldn't figure why he couldn't accomodate us, since there were no complications and I was so close. After he left I tried to focus on my contractions and kept waiting for the urge to push, but it seemed a long time coming.

11:00pm
They decided to do another cervical check and see how I was progressing. The nurse told me I was now only at 6 centimeters. That was like a punch in the gut. I was getting tired and wasn't sure I could take much more. Dawn saw the despair in my face and suggested we try the shower. I started to cry and said if I asked for an epidural now, it would take 20 minutes to get it, and I wasn't sure I had the energy to get back to 9 centimeters. "Just try the shower first," she said, "and then I promise I'll support whatever you decide." So Dave got in his swimsuit, Dawn draped a towel over a birth ball in the shower and had me sit on it with Dave for support. The hot water instantly melted the tension away and helped me relax more. After a few minutes Dawn came back and told me "Remember how much of birth is psychological? I spoke to the nurse and she wasn't mistaken when she said you were at 9.5 centimeters. I think you regressed because you don't feel safe here and the doctor upset you. I want you to imagine you're at home, focus on your baby, on relaxing and letting your body do it's work. Don't fight it." Her words really helped. I knew she was right. She left me there with Dave to hang onto, and I was able to regroup. We spent the next hour working together under the warm running water, with Dave cheering me on and telling me how much he loved me. Before long I was grunting towards the end of each contraction with an urge to push.

1:00am Saturday, June 4th
They got me back on the bed with the fetal monitor strapped on. I preferred lying on my left side because the pain in my right hip was still intense. I saw the doctor come back in and his tone was changed. "I've read your birth plan and I'm going to do everything I can to stick to your wishes. My primary concern is your safety." I couldn't answer, but I was glad to know I didn't have to worry. David was a trouper and held my leg for two hours while I pushed. Dawn helped to guide my pushing with hot compresses on my perinium. Soon they were telling me they could see her head and she that she had dark hair. A nurse set up a mirror for me to see and Dawn encouraged me to reach down and feel the top of her head. Dave and a nurse helped to hold my legs as I pushed. Soon I felt the "ring of fire" sensation everyone had warned me about. It hurt terribly, but I knew the sooner I pushed through it the sooner it would be over and I could hold my baby.

3:19am
She came out facing my right thigh with her hand up against her cheek. That was why I'd had so much pressure on my hip. She was alert and roaring with gusto, and they immediately put her on my chest. I was so relieved and couldn't believe I had done it! I held her as they wiped her off and she looked into my face, alert as could be. True to his word, the doctor honored my wishes. He waited until the cord stopped pulsating to let Dave cut it, and let me nurse to expel the placenta rather than administering pitocin. At first Eva wasn't interested; she was too busy looking around in wonder. But she finally took the breast and I passed the afterbirth easily. I had a second degree tear and the doctor said "I know you said no drugs, but I assume that doesn't include novacain while I stitch you up, right?" It was polite of him to ask, but I thought it was funny. Natural childbirth, yes. Gritting my teeth through stitches, no way! It was so incredible to finally hold my daughter and have her so responsive. She got a 9.9 Apgar score. I cried when I handed her to her daddy for the first time. It was love at first sight, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I've heard women say that childbirth is empowering, that it makes you feel like you can do anything. I'd definitely say that's true. It was a powerfully bonding experience for us as a couple, as well. Dave says now whenever he sees an olympic athlete, he'll think of me. We have truly been blessed.

6/3/05 - Down To The Wire

Day 12 of the countdown. I saw the doctor again yesterday, who told me I'm four centimeters dilated, and she can't believe I haven't started labor yet. They had to do another NST (Non-Stress Test) to make sure the baby is getting enough oxygen and nutrients. I knew that an inactive baby can mislead them into thinking something is wrong, so I had a high-protein, high-carb breakfast and then a cup of coffee on my way out the door. Baby Eva was relatively quiet during the first 15 minutes of the test, but started jumping around for the second half, which was what they wanted.

Then the doctor got the ultrasound machine to check my amniotic fluid levels (BPP – Biophysical Profile). I knew that was a possibility, so I had made sure to drink as much as possible that morning so as not to be dehydrated. I passed with flying colors. Even though everything was normal, she asked me if I just wanted to go on over the to hospital for induction. I said no, I don't want to risk putting the baby in distress if I can avoid it, so I'll wait for the full 14 days. She at first said I'd need another NST, but then changed her mind and simply scheduled me for induction at the hospital at 6:30am on Monday morning. She gave me the appointment slip and said "But I don't think you'll need it. Now go home and have sex!" LOL!

Home Remedies

I can't believe the doctor suggested I go over and get induced even though everything is fine. Induction increases the risk of the baby going into distress, and doubles your chances of a C-Section, and should be reserved as a last resort. Some people are so trigger happy. I have a feeling if I hadn't prepared for those tests she'd have me hooked up to pitocin by now. Anyway, it's now or never, so I have the weekend to try and get things moving. I’ve been cramping and spotting, and my lower back was killing me so I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally ended up propping myself up on blankets on the couch to find a comfortable position to sleep. I don't think it will be necessary, but if it comes down to the wire I think I'll make the hospital do another NST and BPP before anything else, and if the results are fine I'll stall them for another day or two. Doula Dawn suggested a homeopathic remedy that midwives use to induce labor, so I went to the herbalist and picked it up yesterday. She also suggested a prenatal massage that included the pressure points for contractions, so I’m planning to get one before the weekend is out.