10/30/04 - Clothes & Other Trivial Things

Eleven weeks along tomorrow. I’m at that awkward stage where my old clothes don’t fit, but I wouldn’t be able to wear maternity clothes yet. I’ve started packing away my jeans, underwear and work clothes that are too tight for me. It seems weird that it will be over a year before I’ll be reasonably able to dig them out again. Luckily I’ve been a big fan of baggy sweaters, so I can keep wearing those for most of the winter. I’ve had two ladies at church give me their old maternity clothes, but the trick is finding something I can wear to work at Ben Bridge. I don’t want to buy fancy maternity work clothes that I’ll never wear again (next time I’ll be a stay-at-home Mom and be able to wear casual). And though I’ve broken down and bought oversized underwear to last me for a couple months, it’s tough to decide how much to spend on bigger bras when I have no idea what size I’m going to be, or for how long. Bras are always so expensive.

I’ve recently discovered, while shopping at the mall, that pregnant women are a disenfranchised minority. Sears and Macy’s have done away with their maternity wear entirely, Wal-Mart has exactly one rack of tops and one rack of pants, and the “Motherhood” store is given the tiniest floor plan in the mall (how do pregnant women fit in that store?). It’s also abundantly clear to me that maternity clothes designers have an evil sense of humor, and seem determined to see you looking either like a polyester poster child for the 70’s, or an escapee from the circus. I believe it’s discrimination, and I’m considering starting an activist group.

Like, Gag Me With A Toothbrush!

The weird symptoms continue to pile up. My mouth has started watering constantly, which really grosses me out. I've tried chewing gum or sucking on hard candy, but then it seems to get worse. So I drink frequent sips of water to get rid of the feeling, or find something dry like a cracker to chew on. My gag reflex is also really sensitive these days. I can't brush my tongue anymore without gagging, though it's the only way to get rid of a bad taste in your mouth. I wouldn't suspect these symptoms were all pregnancy related except that they appear in the books. One thing is for sure: my body doesn't belong to me anymore. I hardly even recognize how it looks or even feels. Last week at work, my chest started really itching. I remembered the book said that it's somehow related to the skin stretching, so I ran up to Bath and Body works and asked what they had for stretch marks. They gave me a tube of shea butter and I went into the bathroom at work and slathered it on immediately. What a relief! I know it won't prevent stretch marks, since the only way to really avoid them is to be born into a family where it's not hereditary, but at least it makes me more comfortable!

10/16/04 - Crazy Times

This past week has been insane. First, the transmission on Dave's truck went out, and Ford gave us a $2500 estimate. Thankfully, his sister Nanci lent us her old station wagon while we try to get a lower price. Then my 86-year old grandfather collasped and had to be rushed to the hospital Thursday. The same day, Dave's boss got fired, and they've asked him to consider replacing her as the Executive Director of Villa Del Rey Retirement Home. Then our neighbor's wife ended up in the hospital with kidney failure on the very weekend they were supposed to move. So Dave spent his entire Saturday helping him move furniture to his new house. Early Sunday morning, it started pouring rain (the first time since April), so Dave got up at 4am to head to work because the old building tends to leak and flood in places when the rain gets heavy. Then he found out they had been trying to page him since 2am because some resident had accidentally caught her room on fire by forgetting a candle she wasn't supposed to have in the first place, and then refused to leave when the caregivers were trying to get her out. What insanity! Why does everything always happen all at once? Needless to say, I've begun having wierd stress dreams, where stuff is frustrating me and people are telling me that I'm overreacting, and getting me more upset. LOL! At least in real life, I think I've stayed pretty calm.

10/12/04 - Snoogles & Doulas

I'm taking one day at a time, and sometimes one hour, depending on how I'm feeling. The nausea pretty much stays under control so long as I keep nibbling. The hard part is finding something healthy to graze on that actually sounds good. When all else fails, I resort to Nilla Wafers, Ginger Snaps or Cheetos. I still have my difficult days, but I tell myself only a few more weeks before it goes away. Last week I ordered a pregnancy pillow for $50 that looks like a fluffy boa constrictor. I saw it on BabyCenter.com and had to try it. It's called a Snoogle, and boy, is it comfortable! Dave seemed doubtful when he first saw it, but now he likes to sleep with his back up against it. Go figure. Helps make one challenge of pregnancy a little more comfortable.

I've also started researching online for professional labor coaches, called doulas. I've been told by friends who've used them that are wonderful at keeping you calm, using natural comfort measures, and acting as your liason with the hospital to make sure things are done the way you want it. There are lots listed in San Diego. I just have to make sure they aren't into New Age tactics like hypno-birthing (the latest rage), or part of some militant activist group that refers to cirmcumcision as "male infant genital mutilation". I've found a couple so far that seem down to earth, so I emailed some questions to them. I want to get an idea of how comfortable I feel with them before I set up the first free interview. I may be a bit early, but I wasn't sure how long it would take me to find someone I felt completely comfortable with. This is not someone I can afford to have doubts about. That would only add stress to my labor, which would defeat the purpose.

10/6/04 - Wave To Mom In The Camera!

Today was our first ultrasound! Dave and I got off work early and met at home so we could drive to the doctor together. He distracted himself with an ePregnancy magazine article about babies and cats during my exam (we don't want to get rid of our pets unless we have to). But the minute the image of that little heartbeat hit the screen, we were both engrossed. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, that little heart fluttering like a hummingbird. I hear the baby's heart rate at this stage is 160 beats per minute. I really couldn't see anything else because the baby is too small, but it still made everything seem so much more real to me. I hope my friends will patiently let me bore them with photos of an unrecognizable static blob on a black background. I'll try not to become one of those dreaded mothers who shows wallet-sized photos of her kids to strangers at the airport. I'm a little disappointed to discover that I'm only seven weeks along, which is where they thought I was two weeks ago. That means I have a little longer to go before the nausea clears up. Oh, well. At least I have a due date now: May 22nd. I'm telling work a week sooner (so I can quit earlier), and my friends a week later (so I can avoid the perpetual "have you had it yet?" if the baby runs a little late). I hope it will be a May delivery so it will be less hot, and the baby will have a birthday during the school year when friends are around. A more selfish reason is so I have an excuse to wear their birthstone, which would be emerald, one of my favorite colored stones.

The Name Game

Everyone who finds out we are expecting wants to know whether we would prefer a boy or a girl, and what names we have picked. As for preference, I really don't have any. I know that girls mature more quickly than boys, and after seeing the big gap there was between my little brother and I growing up (though I was only two years older), I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to have the boy first. That way, theoretically, they would be closer in emotional development and more on the same peer level. However, since it's completely out of our control anyway, I don't see the need to worry about it. As for names, Dave and I have put a list together, but haven't spent much time narrowing it down, though Dave insists that Taylor is a great name for a girl.

10/3/04 - Catching ZZZ's

Everything else has changed, so why shouldn't my sleep? Only 6 1/2 weeks along, and it's already uncomfortable to put pressure on my tummy, so I have to sleep on my side. The mattress also feels too firm, so I want to get one of those memory- foam mattress toppers. And various pillows I've tried under my knees haven't helped take the pressure off my lower back, so I guess it's time to invest in a body pillow. Of course, in addition to trying to get comfortable and getting up every couple hours to pee, the weird pregnancy dreams have started. I had one that the baby smart-mouthed me until I realized it was really my little brother, and another where the ultrasound showed it had no arms or legs. I have no doubt that in reality, the baby has all digits in place, but it was still freaky. Must have something to do with that documentary I saw about the special baseball league for kids with disabilities. I'm usually hard-hearted when it comes to TV and sad movies, but seeing these kids in wheelchairs being pushed around the bases cheering was enough to give me the sniffles. So much for trying to remain unemotional during pregnancy. I can't afford to be crying much, since my nose runs constantly anyway. I'm told it will shut off about an hour after I give birth, and I'm not allowed to take antihistamines or decongestants in the meantime. That means I'm stuck trying to manage it with Flonase spray, hoping my nose will slow down at night so I don't get a sore throat or sick stomach.

Those Crazy Emotions

All this physical and emotional upheaval has made me much more clingy of Dave. I'm much more aware of how much I love him and would be terrified to lose him. I get nervous when I find out he's going to work on the roof at the retirement home, I call him every afternoon because I miss him at work, and I get antsy if he's late or doesn't pick up his cell phone. I need his hugs and encouragement more than ever, and love to cuddle with him on the couch. He's been very understanding so far, thank God. He does his best to keep coffee and other offensive smells away from me, and once cooked some ground beef for me while I was out of the house because the smell made my stomach lurch. Wasn't that sweet? I feel a bit sorry for all he's having to put up with already (but then again, I'm going through alot too). Meanwhile, he's laughing his way through a hilarious parody book called "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding", helping me find the humorous side of things, and encourages me when I start to feel overwhelmed. My boss told me a story about how his wife smashed one of his favorite guitars against the wall in her seventh month of pregnancy, and laughs about it to this day. He’s threatened to call Dave and warn him about pregnancy insanity, and tells me that no matter how supportive Dave tries to be, there will be times where I feel like killing him, and I should just remember it’s not really the husband’s fault. I’ll keep an eye out for violent urges, but in the meantime I just want Dave close by as much as possible.

10/1/04 - Snack Attacks & Tight Pants

I'm suddenly realizing how quickly we can be reduced to basic instincts. I have exactly two life goals at this moment: keep nausea at bay, and find something to eat every 10 minutes. Thanks to advice of my Mother, I've found that eating a handful of crackers or Nilla Wafers first thing in the morning keeps my morning sickness at a manageable level. This is usually followed by a bowl of granola and a glass of juice. Once at work, I snack on fruit, soy yogurt, crackers, cottage cheese, deli meat, and granola bars, all before lunch break. Then I do it all over again in the afternoon. The scale tells me I haven't gained any weight yet, but I think it's just trying to spare my feelings. My brain tells me I should probably slow down, but whenever I stop eating I end up nauseas or ravenous. All this eating may explain why I find myself in the frustrating transition between being to big for my pants, but not nearly ready to start buying maternity wear. I don't want to waste money on work clothes I can only wear for two months, so I bought two pairs of slacks, one size too big, at Sears for $13 each, and made sure they had a stretchy waistband. They're cheap, but hopefully they'll tide me over. My friend Jessica also dug out a bunch of her maternity clothes for me, some of which were for the first trimester.

Smell Aversions & Spacing Out

Well, the brain fog has officially settled. Talk about ditzy! At least three times this week I remembered to fill the jewelry steamer at work, but forgot to turn it on. Another time our jeweler came in to pick up repairs, and I stood there and chatted with him for ten minutes before he finally asked if I had any work to give him. My friends call it pregnancy brain. I guess that means it's not permanent. I've also begun to notice that the world smells funny. Even things that smell good are often too strong. Now, everyone knows what an avid coffee drinker I am. I consider it one of the major foods groups and the ultimate comfort food. Unfortunately, little micro-majesty has developed an aversion to this treat, so the very smell is apt to send my stomach churning. So our coffee grinder, french press and carafe sit idly by, Starbucks loses a loyal customer, and poor Dave is stuck drinking the instant freeze-dried stuff in another room. Other smells, like cinnamon, are still enjoyable, so I could sit near the christmas potpourri display at Macy's all day.