12/29/04 - Calm After The Storm

The Christmas shopping season is finally over, which means I can finally catch a breath at work. It was so crazy at times I barely had time to make it to the restroom between customers. It was great to have my parents visit. They brought a Taiwanese exchange student named Ting who helped us watch the kids while Mom and Dad went to celebrate their 30th anniversary. Barocha and Caleb are excited to be an aunt and uncle again, though they didn't get to hear the heartbeat. The "Tiny Ticker" device my boss gave me can't pick anything up until after 21 weeks.

Keep On Growing

I've definitely got a pudge now, though a customer of mine said she didn't want to ask just in case she was mistaken. Good call. I'm still holding off on wearing my maternity tops, though, because they're still kind of baggy. My feet have been killing me at work, so I'm going to try and find more comfortable shoes to wear as I get bigger. I don't care if they're granny shoes so long as I'm comfortable. Everyone keeps asking if I can feel the baby yet. I'd have to say that if the baby's movements feel like gas bubbles or muscle spasms, then micro-majesty has definitely been active lately. Otherwise, I'll wait for that "butterflies" sensation my friends have described.

12/17/04 - Holiday Craziness

I'm feeling 100% better, and not a moment too soon. Work is getting very busy, and the mall is extending its hours, so I have to be in to work an hour earlier. Soon my family will be here to visit. After Christmas things will calm down. My symptoms are pretty mild now. Just an occasional nosebleed or pulled-muscle sensations in my stomach, which my doctor says are caused by the ligaments in my tummy stretching. I have an ultrasound on Jan 4th, when we hope to find out the sex. Dave and I are spending more time trying choose a name, but there's very few we agree on yet. I’ve already had two people I know reach out and pat my tummy, which always takes me by surprise and I don’t know how to react yet. It feels a bit intrusive to me, probably because I’m so protective of my belly right now. I know these ladies so the relationship is there, but if a complete stranger does that to me in the grocery store I’m gonna be a little less patient about it.

Looking Forward

Dave got promoted to the position of Assistant Administrator at Villa Del Rey retirement home, with a raise that will make it possible for me to stay home when the baby comes. Praise God! That really is an answer to our prayers. I went with my friends Jessica and Mark to Baby Depot at the Burlington Coat Factory on Saturday, and found the stroller and car seat I wanted for alot less. I had been looking at child safety gates for our stairs online, which all started at $99. I found the same gates at Baby Depot for only $35 each! I was so excited! I can't wait to take Dave back there.

11/29/04 - Thanksgiving Weekend

I'm finally starting to feel human again. I can't handle fatty or rich foods, but I'm happy to say I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with no problems. We went to our friends, Mark and Jessica's, house, and I only had to make carrots, mashed potatoes, and crescent rolls. They made the turkey with all the trimmings, and boy, can they cook! They should open their own restaurant. It was a very relaxing day, which was good, because going back to work in the mall on Black Friday was insane. Thankfully my energy is starting to come back, or I would never have made it. The crowds are dying down now, but they'll be back towards the end of December.

Starting To Show

The girls at work are starting to mention that I'm getting a little pooch, but I don't think anyone would notice if they weren't looking for it. I'm wearing maternity jeans on the weekends now because they are stretchy, though I don't need maternity tops yet. I always wore baggy sweaters because I don't like tight clothes, and thank goodness they give me room to grow comfortably. The challenge is finding tops long enough to cover the panel on my pants. Oh, well. Soon I'll be wearing maternity tops and it won't be an issue. Time seems to be flying now. Soon it will be Christmas, and then it will be time to start childbirth classes and put together the baby's room. I feel the clock ticking while my To Do list gets longer.

11/21/04 - Second Trimester Begins

I've been pretty discouraged this week. I'm in my 14th week, but I'm not feeling any better. I was told the second trimester was the "honeymoon trimester", where your energy and libido start to come back and you feel like yourself again, apart from the Buddha belly. My body can't decide whether to give me nausea or heartburn, so it alternates between the two with frustrating unpredictability. I'm told that chocolate is a huge heartburn culprit, which is tough news for a chocoholic like me. I also have to avoid anything fatty or acidic, which makes it a challenge to eat, especially in the mall at work. I love pizza and tuna melts, tomatoes, apple juice and citric fruits. When I eat trouble foods I have to sleep propped up on pillows, but not on my back. That keeps me tossing and turning, so Dave ends up on the couch trying to sleep undisturbed. Considering the fact that I'm barely showing yet, I can only assume it will get tougher as I get bigger. I haven't really been able to focus, so my sales are suffering at work. Leo, my boss, has been surprisingly understanding. He goes out of his way to check up on how I'm feeling, making sure I leave at five or go home when I'm sick. It makes me feel guilty to be an inconvenience to my co-workers, especially when they're so kind and accommodating.

Welcome to Reality

I thought that I would have all sorts of wonderful dreams about my baby while I was pregnant. Instead I'm dreaming that I got my tongue pierced and that I'm riding a crazy five-mile long roller coaster along the San Diego coastline. I had this picture in my head that pregnancy would be a time of bonding and excitedly preparing for my baby, but right now it doesn't seem real. In my head I know that a baby is on the way, but it's hard to visualize. I just feel overweight and unwell (though I’ve only gained five pounds so far). I feel kind of ungrateful, actually, that God is giving us this blessing, and I'm unable to think beyond just making it through the day. Especially since by medical standards, this really isn't a difficult pregnancy. It's just the "typical" discomfort, and it really could be alot worse. My friend told me she never really bonded with her son until he was born. She tried, but she couldn't really focus on any other reality at the time but trying to stay comfortable. That made me feel a little better. I've got this list of projects to do in the second trimester before I get too big, like put together the baby's room, organize my closet and sign up for childbirth classes. Hope my energy comes back soon so I can get started.

11/13/04 - News Flashes & Research

I'm usually an avid observer of current events, but I've found during pregnancy that it can stress me out. I've needed to take periodic breaks from my favorite radio talk shows or watching the news because thinking about all the issues can get my stress levels up. I read somewhere that Chinese women have a tradition that they only read beautiful poetry and fairy stories while pregnant because they believe their emotions shape the baby's personality. I’m sure there’s an element of folk wisdom to the benefits of avoiding stress and depression during pregnancy. I’m certainly more relaxed now that the election is over and the incessant political ads are gone. I started reading up on pregnancy, buying used books off Amazon.com and printing articles off the internet to share with Dave. My favorite book so far has been "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy", largely because of the author's irreverent sense of humor. With so many changes, stresses, and discomforts, it's helpful to read something informative that tackles these subjects while focusing on the lighter side. I'm also working my way through the required "What to Expect When You're Expecting", although I find this author's approach more likely to give me extra things to worry about, like whether I may have accidentally harmed my baby by drinking herbal tea. I've been very impressed with "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth”. The author clearly leans towards natural childbirth, backing up her views with research in a way that invites the reader to make her own informed choices. I also frequent BabyCenter.com and AmercanBaby.com, as well as a dozen other pregnancy websites. They offer alot of good information. On days when I'm especially nauseated, reading about pregnancy only seems to make it worse, so I distract myself with biographies or light fiction.

www.BabyCenter.com

www.Childbirth.org

www.AskDrSears.com

www.MidwiferyToday.com/

www.SanDiegoBorn.org/

www.waterbirth.org/

www.givingbirthnaturally.com/

Baby Snoopy

About a year ago I fell in love with this adorable crib set I found in a catalog on Snoopystore.com. It's cute and neutral, so I could use it for a boy or girl, and not have to change the nursery for a later baby. As luck would have it, when I went back recently to order it, it was discontinued and nowhere to be found. The local baby consignment store only had the crib bumper. Dave found the crib bedding on Ebay and I was able to get it for $26, though it normally sells for around $80.

10/30/04 - Clothes & Other Trivial Things

Eleven weeks along tomorrow. I’m at that awkward stage where my old clothes don’t fit, but I wouldn’t be able to wear maternity clothes yet. I’ve started packing away my jeans, underwear and work clothes that are too tight for me. It seems weird that it will be over a year before I’ll be reasonably able to dig them out again. Luckily I’ve been a big fan of baggy sweaters, so I can keep wearing those for most of the winter. I’ve had two ladies at church give me their old maternity clothes, but the trick is finding something I can wear to work at Ben Bridge. I don’t want to buy fancy maternity work clothes that I’ll never wear again (next time I’ll be a stay-at-home Mom and be able to wear casual). And though I’ve broken down and bought oversized underwear to last me for a couple months, it’s tough to decide how much to spend on bigger bras when I have no idea what size I’m going to be, or for how long. Bras are always so expensive.

I’ve recently discovered, while shopping at the mall, that pregnant women are a disenfranchised minority. Sears and Macy’s have done away with their maternity wear entirely, Wal-Mart has exactly one rack of tops and one rack of pants, and the “Motherhood” store is given the tiniest floor plan in the mall (how do pregnant women fit in that store?). It’s also abundantly clear to me that maternity clothes designers have an evil sense of humor, and seem determined to see you looking either like a polyester poster child for the 70’s, or an escapee from the circus. I believe it’s discrimination, and I’m considering starting an activist group.

Like, Gag Me With A Toothbrush!

The weird symptoms continue to pile up. My mouth has started watering constantly, which really grosses me out. I've tried chewing gum or sucking on hard candy, but then it seems to get worse. So I drink frequent sips of water to get rid of the feeling, or find something dry like a cracker to chew on. My gag reflex is also really sensitive these days. I can't brush my tongue anymore without gagging, though it's the only way to get rid of a bad taste in your mouth. I wouldn't suspect these symptoms were all pregnancy related except that they appear in the books. One thing is for sure: my body doesn't belong to me anymore. I hardly even recognize how it looks or even feels. Last week at work, my chest started really itching. I remembered the book said that it's somehow related to the skin stretching, so I ran up to Bath and Body works and asked what they had for stretch marks. They gave me a tube of shea butter and I went into the bathroom at work and slathered it on immediately. What a relief! I know it won't prevent stretch marks, since the only way to really avoid them is to be born into a family where it's not hereditary, but at least it makes me more comfortable!

10/16/04 - Crazy Times

This past week has been insane. First, the transmission on Dave's truck went out, and Ford gave us a $2500 estimate. Thankfully, his sister Nanci lent us her old station wagon while we try to get a lower price. Then my 86-year old grandfather collasped and had to be rushed to the hospital Thursday. The same day, Dave's boss got fired, and they've asked him to consider replacing her as the Executive Director of Villa Del Rey Retirement Home. Then our neighbor's wife ended up in the hospital with kidney failure on the very weekend they were supposed to move. So Dave spent his entire Saturday helping him move furniture to his new house. Early Sunday morning, it started pouring rain (the first time since April), so Dave got up at 4am to head to work because the old building tends to leak and flood in places when the rain gets heavy. Then he found out they had been trying to page him since 2am because some resident had accidentally caught her room on fire by forgetting a candle she wasn't supposed to have in the first place, and then refused to leave when the caregivers were trying to get her out. What insanity! Why does everything always happen all at once? Needless to say, I've begun having wierd stress dreams, where stuff is frustrating me and people are telling me that I'm overreacting, and getting me more upset. LOL! At least in real life, I think I've stayed pretty calm.

10/12/04 - Snoogles & Doulas

I'm taking one day at a time, and sometimes one hour, depending on how I'm feeling. The nausea pretty much stays under control so long as I keep nibbling. The hard part is finding something healthy to graze on that actually sounds good. When all else fails, I resort to Nilla Wafers, Ginger Snaps or Cheetos. I still have my difficult days, but I tell myself only a few more weeks before it goes away. Last week I ordered a pregnancy pillow for $50 that looks like a fluffy boa constrictor. I saw it on BabyCenter.com and had to try it. It's called a Snoogle, and boy, is it comfortable! Dave seemed doubtful when he first saw it, but now he likes to sleep with his back up against it. Go figure. Helps make one challenge of pregnancy a little more comfortable.

I've also started researching online for professional labor coaches, called doulas. I've been told by friends who've used them that are wonderful at keeping you calm, using natural comfort measures, and acting as your liason with the hospital to make sure things are done the way you want it. There are lots listed in San Diego. I just have to make sure they aren't into New Age tactics like hypno-birthing (the latest rage), or part of some militant activist group that refers to cirmcumcision as "male infant genital mutilation". I've found a couple so far that seem down to earth, so I emailed some questions to them. I want to get an idea of how comfortable I feel with them before I set up the first free interview. I may be a bit early, but I wasn't sure how long it would take me to find someone I felt completely comfortable with. This is not someone I can afford to have doubts about. That would only add stress to my labor, which would defeat the purpose.

10/6/04 - Wave To Mom In The Camera!

Today was our first ultrasound! Dave and I got off work early and met at home so we could drive to the doctor together. He distracted himself with an ePregnancy magazine article about babies and cats during my exam (we don't want to get rid of our pets unless we have to). But the minute the image of that little heartbeat hit the screen, we were both engrossed. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, that little heart fluttering like a hummingbird. I hear the baby's heart rate at this stage is 160 beats per minute. I really couldn't see anything else because the baby is too small, but it still made everything seem so much more real to me. I hope my friends will patiently let me bore them with photos of an unrecognizable static blob on a black background. I'll try not to become one of those dreaded mothers who shows wallet-sized photos of her kids to strangers at the airport. I'm a little disappointed to discover that I'm only seven weeks along, which is where they thought I was two weeks ago. That means I have a little longer to go before the nausea clears up. Oh, well. At least I have a due date now: May 22nd. I'm telling work a week sooner (so I can quit earlier), and my friends a week later (so I can avoid the perpetual "have you had it yet?" if the baby runs a little late). I hope it will be a May delivery so it will be less hot, and the baby will have a birthday during the school year when friends are around. A more selfish reason is so I have an excuse to wear their birthstone, which would be emerald, one of my favorite colored stones.

The Name Game

Everyone who finds out we are expecting wants to know whether we would prefer a boy or a girl, and what names we have picked. As for preference, I really don't have any. I know that girls mature more quickly than boys, and after seeing the big gap there was between my little brother and I growing up (though I was only two years older), I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to have the boy first. That way, theoretically, they would be closer in emotional development and more on the same peer level. However, since it's completely out of our control anyway, I don't see the need to worry about it. As for names, Dave and I have put a list together, but haven't spent much time narrowing it down, though Dave insists that Taylor is a great name for a girl.

10/3/04 - Catching ZZZ's

Everything else has changed, so why shouldn't my sleep? Only 6 1/2 weeks along, and it's already uncomfortable to put pressure on my tummy, so I have to sleep on my side. The mattress also feels too firm, so I want to get one of those memory- foam mattress toppers. And various pillows I've tried under my knees haven't helped take the pressure off my lower back, so I guess it's time to invest in a body pillow. Of course, in addition to trying to get comfortable and getting up every couple hours to pee, the weird pregnancy dreams have started. I had one that the baby smart-mouthed me until I realized it was really my little brother, and another where the ultrasound showed it had no arms or legs. I have no doubt that in reality, the baby has all digits in place, but it was still freaky. Must have something to do with that documentary I saw about the special baseball league for kids with disabilities. I'm usually hard-hearted when it comes to TV and sad movies, but seeing these kids in wheelchairs being pushed around the bases cheering was enough to give me the sniffles. So much for trying to remain unemotional during pregnancy. I can't afford to be crying much, since my nose runs constantly anyway. I'm told it will shut off about an hour after I give birth, and I'm not allowed to take antihistamines or decongestants in the meantime. That means I'm stuck trying to manage it with Flonase spray, hoping my nose will slow down at night so I don't get a sore throat or sick stomach.

Those Crazy Emotions

All this physical and emotional upheaval has made me much more clingy of Dave. I'm much more aware of how much I love him and would be terrified to lose him. I get nervous when I find out he's going to work on the roof at the retirement home, I call him every afternoon because I miss him at work, and I get antsy if he's late or doesn't pick up his cell phone. I need his hugs and encouragement more than ever, and love to cuddle with him on the couch. He's been very understanding so far, thank God. He does his best to keep coffee and other offensive smells away from me, and once cooked some ground beef for me while I was out of the house because the smell made my stomach lurch. Wasn't that sweet? I feel a bit sorry for all he's having to put up with already (but then again, I'm going through alot too). Meanwhile, he's laughing his way through a hilarious parody book called "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding", helping me find the humorous side of things, and encourages me when I start to feel overwhelmed. My boss told me a story about how his wife smashed one of his favorite guitars against the wall in her seventh month of pregnancy, and laughs about it to this day. He’s threatened to call Dave and warn him about pregnancy insanity, and tells me that no matter how supportive Dave tries to be, there will be times where I feel like killing him, and I should just remember it’s not really the husband’s fault. I’ll keep an eye out for violent urges, but in the meantime I just want Dave close by as much as possible.

10/1/04 - Snack Attacks & Tight Pants

I'm suddenly realizing how quickly we can be reduced to basic instincts. I have exactly two life goals at this moment: keep nausea at bay, and find something to eat every 10 minutes. Thanks to advice of my Mother, I've found that eating a handful of crackers or Nilla Wafers first thing in the morning keeps my morning sickness at a manageable level. This is usually followed by a bowl of granola and a glass of juice. Once at work, I snack on fruit, soy yogurt, crackers, cottage cheese, deli meat, and granola bars, all before lunch break. Then I do it all over again in the afternoon. The scale tells me I haven't gained any weight yet, but I think it's just trying to spare my feelings. My brain tells me I should probably slow down, but whenever I stop eating I end up nauseas or ravenous. All this eating may explain why I find myself in the frustrating transition between being to big for my pants, but not nearly ready to start buying maternity wear. I don't want to waste money on work clothes I can only wear for two months, so I bought two pairs of slacks, one size too big, at Sears for $13 each, and made sure they had a stretchy waistband. They're cheap, but hopefully they'll tide me over. My friend Jessica also dug out a bunch of her maternity clothes for me, some of which were for the first trimester.

Smell Aversions & Spacing Out

Well, the brain fog has officially settled. Talk about ditzy! At least three times this week I remembered to fill the jewelry steamer at work, but forgot to turn it on. Another time our jeweler came in to pick up repairs, and I stood there and chatted with him for ten minutes before he finally asked if I had any work to give him. My friends call it pregnancy brain. I guess that means it's not permanent. I've also begun to notice that the world smells funny. Even things that smell good are often too strong. Now, everyone knows what an avid coffee drinker I am. I consider it one of the major foods groups and the ultimate comfort food. Unfortunately, little micro-majesty has developed an aversion to this treat, so the very smell is apt to send my stomach churning. So our coffee grinder, french press and carafe sit idly by, Starbucks loses a loyal customer, and poor Dave is stuck drinking the instant freeze-dried stuff in another room. Other smells, like cinnamon, are still enjoyable, so I could sit near the christmas potpourri display at Macy's all day.

9/28/04 - To Tell Or Not To Tell?

Well, it's one week exactly since we found out we were expecting, and my body has officially shifted into a construction zone. We debated who to tell and when. Dave was concerned that everyone knowing would be difficult to handle if I miscarried. I'm more of the opinion that I'd like as many people as possible to be praying for me, and if we did run into grief, at least my friends could sympathize rather than worry I was losing my mind. The majority of this week has been spent trying every method in the book to conquer my morning sickness. Unfortunately, my stomach is prone to doing more flip flops than John Kerry, and doesn't need much to set it churning. The munchkin may only be the size of a kidney bean, but he (or she) has already developed discriminating tastes, and has no qualms sending food packing if it's not what the micro-majesty ordered. This fact alone made it impossible to hide from my co-workers at Ben Bridge Jewelers, so I had the fun of telling everyone at work and enjoying their reactions. My parents live in Oregon, so we had to tell them over the phone, but it was almost as fun as in person. They are thrilled about being grandparents. Since Dave's Mother lives at the retirement home where he works, He decided to keep quiet until she could get over her cold and we could tell her in person. When we broke the news, he asked her to keep it to herself until he had a chance to tell his boss. Of course, that didn't go over very well. "You can't be so cruel as to not let me tell!" We finally relented, so she called everyone in the family by evening.

9/27/04 - Drumroll Please...

The adventure has officially begun, much to my surprise. My first clue should have been that it had been 47 days since my last cycle, but I'm usually so irregular that I figured it wasn't anything to get suspicious about. Then, of course, there was my monster case of "PMS" that had dragged on for over two weeks. I still didn't clue in. And the last big clues involved late night snack attacks and this strange craving for hamburgers, followed by queasiness when I made myself eat a chicken sandwich instead. I guess I'm a little slow, or maybe I didn't want to get my hopes up for another false alarm. At any event, it took a co-worker and my husband asking me on the same day whether I was pregnant for me to get suspicious enough to take a home pregnancy test.

The Thin Pink Line

It's amazing how a little pink line can turn your world upside down. I just kept staring at it dumbly, trying to absorb the fact that I was really going to be a Mom. Try as I might, it just wouldn't register. I walked downstairs, test in hand, to show David. He was on the phone with work, and by the time he hung up I had dissolved into a puddle and had him worried. He put his hands on my shoulders and asked me what was wrong. Now, I've rehearsed in my mind a dozen creative ways to break the news when the time came, but at the fateful moment I could only manage to sob "I'm pregnant!" and hold up the test. Of course Dave's first response was "are you sure?", and the phone rang again. He was being called to work because an alarm was going off that they couldn't shut down, so I rode out to Escondido with him. On the way back we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up another pregnancy test and supply of pretzels and ginger ale for my sensitive tummy. This one had a digital readout that clearly said "pregnant" in bold letters. When I showed Dave , he said "Well, I guess we are then", and then gently lifted my shirt and kissed my tummy. I knew then everything was going to be OK.